A letter for T

Dear T,
I want this letter to appeal to you in a way that only I can really explain in my writing. There are many things I want to tell you and it's really hard to express myself when I am face to face with another person. Emotions don't really come out right unless of course, they're crazy ones and I'm visibly upset. That's one of the reasons why I am writing this to you. You for some reason have stuck around for a couple years and you haven't really left pursue. But you have stopped talking to me for a couple times and I have done the same. Because honestly I am a mess and I'm very glad you've been here for me since. You're the only friend that has stuck around for me. We really don't have to show any effort towards each other when we hang out at school or after church. To me, I just feel like time has gone by so fast. I mean look at us, seniors in high school, I'm coming up on my last semester and you're one semester in. For some reason I can actually talk to in in person when we have our night talks in your car, sometimes I repeat myself. I can't really tell you what's wrong, all I need is reassurance that everything will be okay. (That's a tip for you.) I honestly value our friendship and all the time we get to hang out together. You've said before that you enjoyed hearing that. You know the reason for why I like hanging out with you and you enjoy that answer as well. I just really appreciate you being in my life and helping me with everything. I want this friendship to last, for some reason this is the only real one I have as of now. I also want you to know if you need anything, just let me know, I am here for you whenever you need me. These last couple years have been hell for me, none of it was your fault. The timing was horrible and problems were rising for me when I had that break from you. I had to find time for me, but at the time all I found was nothing, I was lonely watching you and your friends talk. But something inside kept telling me to stay away, don't ask. Because honestly, I have no idea. This letter is to basically let you know how important to me, I just wanted you to know. Considering I'm dealing with fall out from everything happening right now. Yes, I can be vague about it, because you already know what I am talking about. But yeah, here you go.

Time

I haven't realized how fast time has been going in the past couple months, it has been crazy trying to figure everything out before I head off to the alternative prison for four years. But in this class, it irritates me how slow it goes by and I don't like being bored all the time. Honestly, that has been my life for a couple months now. Oh, I see. I see why it has been flying, I literally took drugs to mask my pain because of the recent breakup. I should know better, but it helped me cope. But now I have to figure out to get my life back on track. Nothing is really out of place as of now. I also have noticed my writing is all over the place, but that's okay. I have the support group of many, I really don't like going to people with my issues. I always get upset when they judge my decisions. I guarantee they're people who do much worse than me, especially to cope with issues. I really want to meet Post Malone in the future, I really enjoy his music. There is a guy in my class right now that looks at me a lot. I think it's flattering, or is it weird?

Coming undone

I have quit completely, I ended it yesterday at 4pm. I hope I can keep myself together during this time. I really need all the support I can right now, because I know the side affects are going to cause a major conflict with my life and social skills. I am okay as of right now, feeling icky. I was kind of restless last night. I kept waking up uncomfortable and would shift during the night. I don't know why it's causing such an issue. I didn't know that was a piece of the aftermath, I was taking it for a couple months, so it makes sense. I didn't realize how long I've been doing it. Good thing I didn't get caught this time. I'm not going to take it again, unless I really need a coping mechanism and even then that won't even be a real thought until I get through these three months. I would really enjoy the company of my good friend, T. Hopefully he and I can hang out after school today. It's going to be a long day until 4pm. I tell ya, being at home is the most boring thing, there isn't really much to do. Well, to my mother there is. You know moms and their cleaning habits. Even then I will probably do the same when I get older. But I will make sure my child is older than eighteen when I'm in my forties.

Mental Health: Day Fourteen

I am having a very good day and I am quitting my meds on the 1st. I am a goober, I knew December would be a good month to stop. Who am I to be critical of myself. I am very sad because of the recent conversation with my best friend, he made it clear I should have stopped today. But I have issues that need balanced. I feel sorry for my mother, she is getting older and I am the youngest child. Out of two adults, I am a baby. She doesn't want me to go off to college, I wanted to stay home and play video games with friends. But the friends I used to play with, just don't talk to me anymore. I have a couple friends. These friends make me tired, the other ones didn't. I want to make sure that something comes of this. Maybe writing will be the new coping mechanism. Let's hope the 1st works.

Mental Health: Day Twelve

I have found when I don't have something to distract my mind, my body feels so sick. But I'll have to deal with it in an about a week. Whenever it's done, I'm done. No more. I have said this over the past couple weeks, I don't realize how much there was. This is it. I am done with this set. I don't want this constant sickness and effort that I have to put into it. I was nervous this morning, my legs were shaking. I am okay, I am really wanting to go somewhere.
_________________________________________________________________________________


That was a lie on the next set, my depression was coming back and I didn't want to stop. I feel like when I stop I might lose a lot of weight. Because in a sense, the only reason why I eat so much is because of my medicine. The doctor was empathetic when I came to talk.

Mental Health Day: Thirteen

I don't really don't understand many things in life and that's okay. Because the answer to everything is lying within us. We have the power to be ourselves and strive for more in a dangerous world. I have the strength to do anything I set my mind to, but alas I am stuck behind a wall of fear. Lying everything that could damage every single piece of confidence that held me to stand up and be who I am. Expressing who Id like to be. 

Mental Health: Day Ten

10:00AM

There is conflict in the atmosphere, where a writer is having trouble getting ideas.
Two guys who are excellent writers are stuck in a rut, looking for something new.
I can't really help them in the process of coming up with something because when I write I usually take it from my point of view.

I feel like everything is slow, but I rather it be slow than tiring. Sitting in class with a light head is kind of difficult. I can't really explain how I feel

Mental Health: Day Eleven

Something is in the water and it's waiting for me to pick it up and show it off.
But I won't push and I will not be a stand-out. There are many things that are for certain, I am underappreciated by people who are supposed to be a crutch for life and it's depressing. I would like to have Bradon here to be by side. I am bored with the slow education standards. Highly slow and more time to procrastinate. I also feel like a teacher showed only teach two classes. One of my teachers has four classes to teach. I can understand why you're so overwhelmed with all the paperwork. But you chose this and they gave it to you. Try not to get into this 'four classes' next year, your daughter needs her father.
Growing up I am realizing that teachers do work hard, miss their families during the day, and dread getting up for work. I feel the same way when I leave for work. By the end of the night, I am so tired and drained I want to crash. When I get home, I have energy again and I just want to take my dog for a walk. Coming home from the walk, I unhook Harley and go to my room. I don't want to be out and about anymore. It's so tiring being around my family, generally, it tires me to be around people altogether. Being an introvert is great. For some reason when I wake up or after my medicine dies down I want to vomit. I spit up quite a bit this morning, I'm not a baby.
I'll be okay, I need to cut down soon.

Perception

For some people, they get up in the morning and are ready for the day.
Me I open my eyes for a couple seconds savoring the minute before everything of the day piles on my brain. Causing stress that is completely unnecessary and unneeded.

For some people, they don't think about the accurate, detailed, next thing they're doing.
Me I looked every single detail down to the threading of my pants. But sometimes it's hard not to think about the dust and dog hair stuck to them.

For some people, a system of organization in their room is not as important.
Me I have a place for every single thing that is visible to the human eye. I have a whiteboard with daily things I have to do.

For some people, the same old thing is boring and mixes their schedules to make their life more exciting.
Me I do the same thing. Every. Single. Day. I don't change it up. Why? It makes me feel like I am a person with a direct approach on how the world is going. A steady pace is everything to me.

For some people, they can lay around and do absolutely nothing.
Me I have to be doing something, I have to be moving, something keeping my attention. Being relaxed is something unreal and it usually doesn't happen.

For some people, they can lay down, laying their head on a pillow and fall asleep.
Me I have to take 15mg of Melatonin just to even think about sleeping.

I have a very complex mindset that doesn't shut down and I can't help to feel helpless to my own demise. I really hope the upcoming serious of events are life changing and help me on the way to success in the future of being a writer.

Mental Health: Day Nine/Shout out to readers

Audience, that reads my work on this blog, please know that you all are amazing for reading and sticking with me through all this. I absolutely love seeing the views pop up and it surprises me so much! You who read are the products of my concentration. 


11:42-11:51pm
I'm doing pretty great as of right now. Thinking about all the things that make me happy. I am listening to music to calm the irritation of my overthinking mind. Tonight I'm actually going to get a lot of stuff done, potentially finish my semester project and watch some videos for extra credit. He really inspires me to be my best, he sees potential in me. I think he is a keeper. As of October twenty-ninth, he is my boyfriend. I have been telling myself that going slow is a good thing. Because I can already tell there will be a lot of adventures and incredible conversations. 
I see stars again. 
I also want to work on my cursive. I like to live in the past where these things used to be cool. I saw a lot of cute kids in their costumes. Makes me think about having a family in the future. It's a great thought, but isn't it too early? I have also dreamed of my wedding since I was a little girl, basically like every other girl. 
I am going to buy a Polaroid camera for his and I's adventures together. 
Goodness, he makes me so happy. That's all for now.

Mental Health: Day Eight

Something is in the atmosphere and it's causing a conflicted academic. I think all the decisions as of late have been miscalculated and I was upset for the wrong reasons. Of course, it is very easy to get in trouble for something you're not supposed to do. But it's your decisions and you will eventually learn from them. Which here is my decision, I have decided to open back up to the thought of love. I want to see potential in that overused word. With Bradon, I really want to find more in liking someone. I want to adventure with my ideas and open the world for what it is, not worrying all the time. I'm getting older now and I thinks it's time to bring in new ideas and adventures. Which honestly, with the conversation with Bradon about traveling. I couldn't have any other person to do it with but him. He seems passionate about the things he does. Maybe that's what I need in a person, passion, openness, outgoing, and very excited to see the world another person does. Could this be the start of something amazing? I pray, it is. Lord knows I need it. Tonight I am going to try really hard to have a joyful spirit at work, even considering that tomorrow is Halloween and I have nothing for a costume.
Then I am going to come home and take a walk, something I need to start doing to clear my conflicted thoughts and anger. Where was the anger coming from? I don't know, I really need to get out of my own head and living life for the now, and get something from it. Before it completely eats me alive.
But isn't getting into my own head something I have trying to receive for years?
I have close-minded for years and I needed to open up. I noticed my closeness when I started taking a certain class.
I'm open-minded now.
Time to shine.

Dear God.

Dear God,

It seems to me that everything is going in circles, but at the same time, it's going great. I feel so self-centered for no reason. I don't apply attention to me. I don't like it at all. But today, today was amazing and I didn't want it to end. But at the same time, I wanted everything to stop. I don't know why I just don't have the will anymore. I feel like I want to lay in bed all the time, but I also want to go, go, go. Get things done in a certain way, every single day. I don't ever have any fun and right now I feel like I  am having way to much fun. Do you agree? Should I stop? What is happening? There is nothing really serious going on right now. Well, of course, we have a boy I really like right now. We actually went on a date today. I really enjoyed hanging out with him, he seems like a fit. You know why I don't feel anything besides high feelings. The massive pain I just dealt with before B asked me. I would like to start a relationship with him. I want to go slow. Hopefully, he feels the same. For some reason now, I don't feel much of anything. I want my happiness back, please. B makes me really happy, bring him around me. Give me a sign that this is the route to my happiness. Because God, honestly, I don't have much strength. I need sleep and a lot of it, please refresh me and give me the signs that will educate me.

Mental Health: Day Seven

9:06am: I decided to take my medication this morning and now I feel great.
We have a guest speaker today and he is very interesting.
"Relaxed attention."
Trust me I am very relaxed and very attentive.
I'm not refilling my prescription next time.
I really don't think I need it.
It kind of makes me eat a lot when I don't want to.
I kind of want to fast until tonight when I get some free food from work.
The class appears full and it's more unnerving than anything else.
My mother told me I didn't have to go to school today.
She just didn't want to pick me up from school.
Tough Beans.
"Meditation called Coming Back."
This is weird, considering I have been thinking about this title for a long time.
Maybe to have a religious perspective, we have to be involved in meditation.
I see why I don't meditate, I don't want to think about my body unless I'm in meditation.
Even then I don't want to feel it, it aches on the inside.
I felt my body wave with my heartbeat.
We did this meditation where you have a partner and we ask for three minutes, "Who are you?"
You say the first thing that comes to mind.
I said a lot of sensitive things, but in a sense, I said what I feel.
Conflicted.
Angry.
Confused.
Devastated.
Mildly insane.
Sensitive.
Achey.
Concerned.
Don't care.
Liver.
Hungry.
Coffee.
Unsure.
Damaged.
Me.
Procrastination.
Mixed.


"Being here meditation."
Sit still, listeing to our breath, opening and feeling the thoughts through our sky like mind.
Resting.

I didn't really get into it because I can't seem to narrow down my thoughts.
It's like stretching out play dough.

Something More Than Just A Thought

Something always ringing in my ear.
I am senseless, constant noise can become that pain.
Pain that is a form of warmth in the center of my chest.
Triggering the nerves that have become so very thin over the years.
Nervousness coursing through my veins that start a bitter mood.
Turning every which way can cause weird feelings of dread.
The world isn't ready for me yet, it's running a path.
Leading me into the calm with every wind caught breath.
Let the air become a little denser, but then let your head become lighter.
The beginning starts with less matter, but only leads to the climax.
Then the person is open-minded.
Something will come up.
Something will bring happiness.
Something will bring you back.

Mental Health: Day Six

The start of this morning went pretty smoothly, I didn't get up at five am like I should have. But I think I should be able to lose weight if I just don't eat that much. I need to think that food is given for a prize more than it's mine and I can eat it whenever I want. Because when I eat I think of all the money that I've wasted not only from restaurants but from the store. I have eaten so much for the past couple days and I shouldn't have. I think I need to balance things. But sometimes I can't seem to wrap my mind around that concept. I have church tonight and I haven't decided if I wanted to take some medicine before I go. But at the same time, I don't want to. Because it'll make me go all over the place. I don't understand why people have to be so repulsive. There is a that sits with us all the time and he acts like an idiot.
I feel there is a lock on me and I don't know how to get it off, I don't have a key. Do I need to find something? Faith? Love? Acceptance? But what for? All of my friends are oddballs, I fit in just fine.
I need to get my head out of the water though.

Mental Health: Day Five

This morning everything seems gloomy. I was looking forward to going controller hunting with T after school this afternoon. But recently he's been treating like shit for no reason. I just want to hang out with him. Maybe he thinks I'm into him or something. Am I?
No, I don't want to be involved with anyone, if I do I'll want to go slow. Like with Bradon I can be myself and not worry about his judgement. Speaking of, he asked me to lunch after church on Sunday, a date. This came to me as shock when he texted me, I was confused at first if he liked me and of course, being me, I asked him if he did. He said "Yes, I do. That's why I asked you to lunch."
 He is open and willing to go to church with me, which is a good step.
Back to the main subject, T and I have been friends for four years and trust me it has been a bipolar. I don't understand why he hangs out with the people he does. They are bad influences, me saying that is very rare. But I have been around his friends and they're rubbing off. It's disturbing. I think him and I are still close. I don't know anymore.

Mental Health: Part Four 10.24.17

Today everything needs to be bolder, to make myself feel somewhat complete. I feel kind of sick, I feel some stuff coming up in my throat, when I take a drink it goes back down. I just don't want to be here right now. Today has been more of a day since I woke up, Bradon tested me this morning just to say good morning. I should feel happiness from it. But due to the unfortunate events that happened less then four weeks ago. I need to let it go. I saw a picture on my Instagram the other day. Miranda posted a picture of Lucas and it made me upset. But fortunately for me Bradon was working and he made me feel better. But as of now, I need to sleep.

Mental Health: Day Three

Right now in this very moment I feel like the world is moving around me and I have no place.
I am having difficulties trying to find a person who feels the same way I feel, but not everyone has the same thoughts and ideas as me. Lately all I want to do is be lazy, that being laying in bed and not wanting to move. Watching a show or reading on my Nook. I feel a grog coming back, it's really hurting my productivity and strength. I don't want to ask for help from anyone because I am one of those people who think they can do everything by themselves. That's not always the case though, I tend to ask for to much when I do need the help. I have been using music as a coping mechanism, mainly to ease anxiety. Basically to melt off the stress, caused by the anxiety. Since I have been taking new medication for a different side of my health, everything seems to be generally effected. I just want to be calm and relaxed to be able to concentrate on what's really important. Such as completely my book at a certain time, school and the work given, walking every morning, relationships. I really need to work on my productivity as well, easier said then done. Why is that? You may ask this in your head, well, being me I have a lot going on my head 24/7, and for some reason when I want to do something that is needed, I get distracted very easily by something else.
Reading goes to sleeping.
Watching a show goes to sleeping.
Writing something goes to me trying to find a song on YouTube, then suddenly finding a video I want to watch from a creator.
Or writing goes to me listening to the lyrics of the song I am hearing.
I like the thought of how music has the power to change your mood very easy.
Now, I'm just tired, physically.

Snow/purity

Something that hasn't come in about a year now, but there is no rush.
 It has a sense of causing slight difficulty in most lives.
 Most find clarity, finding it amazing since it's not often seen most times.
I enjoy the softness it puts on my vision since I find the beauty in it.
At most times it causes some complications because it comes and goes when we least expect it.
But now, think of the snow in the form of a person, you see the blank color.
Look at the person next to you or across from you.
This person probably dislikes the thought of snow and it's coming.
Look now, see her/him smiling awkwardly as you gaze.
For me, she has clear skin, hazel eyes, and dirty blonde hair.
Her attention is on something else.
She has her own thoughts on snow and it forms and how it's made.
But really I only see her as a flower that doesn't want to be covered by anything.
What are her real thoughts?

10.18.17

Trying again is going to be hard, but as of now, I don't want to be with anyone. But at the same time, I'm partly lying. My heart is damaged but I could find someone to fix it. Is that going to be easy? No, absolutely not.
   I've been procrastinating on my life, I really need to put more hours in and make more money. At the same time, I want to be lazy, lay in bed and not move. Sounds like my depression is getting the best of me again. I should be excited to have a job because some people don't have one. In this moment in time I want to improve myself, but now I can't because I feel like I have chains holding on to me.
  Religious wise, I think I need more to pull me back in. I like the idea of something existing, but I don't know about it. I think the grog of life has affected my sense of rationality. I really need a better influence. In this case, I'm sitting on my behind, and someone needs to pull me back up. I need to be more educated.
  I feel the strength weakening in me and for now, it's steady. But how do I get back on my feet? I don't like to rely on anyone, I want to be my own hero. Because the experience I gain from that will help guide me in the future to help others. It's not bad to rely on people, no. But I like to have the experience for myself. I just want to hide for a little while. Or at least have life slow down a bit.

5:09PM
I am sitting at the church in silence, it helps me actually think before everyone starts coming in and making noise. Noise being their voices, a bit harsh, but I never get silence. Especially to myself, because at home there is never silence unless everyone is gone. I guess I'm going out with a friend of mine tonight after. I really don't want anyone else but him to go. I just want a calming, decently quiet place to relax. Nothing more relaxing than piano music and a cold drink.

Mental Health: Day Two

9:07am, September 20th, 2017

I have decided that something more bold would help my drowsiness this morning.
I slept decently last night. I didn't have any dreams that I remember, considering I took 15mg of Melotonin to help me sleep. I kind of had a long depression nap yesterday that lasted a good six or so hours. The only reason why I got up yesterday was because I had a nightmare. It was really traumatic, I don't know why these nightmares keep happening. It's probably because of stress, but goodness the vividness needs to stop. Yesterday was the third time in three weeks. Why does this keep happening? 

5:28pm
I am currently sitting next to my youth minister, he is practicing tonight's music and for some reason the atmosphere seems to be really heavy. Tonight feels like something is going to happen, something I don't know.

9:06pm
Being home seems to make me more anxious than anything else in the world. When I was in car I had a rant/conversation with my friend Travis. He listened and didn't give much back to me. But what is he supposed to say? He can't give me much, considering he hasn't been through the same thing. But again, I feel so vulnerable and sad. 

An imagined argument

"Tell me something!"
"What?! What do you want from me?"
"Answers! Why have you been ignoring me?"
He looks down at the floor bottling all his emotions into something, something that could potentially crush her in every way possible.
She persists. "Tell me!"
Something in him snaps and he lets go of all of his self-control.
"You want to know why I've been ignoring you?"
She nods in annoyance.
"Because I don't love you."
Her face faintly turns red and she could feel everything inside her break. Remembering all the things he said to her. All the pretty words and compliments he would give her were just lies.
"This whole time I didn't want to be with you! I've been talking to my ex this whole time and yes I lied to you about it."
In this moment she felt her face become warm and she couldn't believe she had been hearing.
"I didn't want to tell you shit because I don't love you! I never did! You were just another person to the list."
She felt rage build inside of her and the only thing she could bring herself to do was swing her right hand to his right cheek, hard. Leaving a mark not only on his face but on his ego.
She gets closer to him, talking slowly in such a tone that could only be described as controlled anger.
"You listen to me and listen good. Because I'm only saying this once."
Her face was warm but beaming with extreme aggravation. Her words came out with a serious tone.
"I am NOT a toy that you can pick up and throw down whenever you want. And if you think you can come back when you feel that I am vulnerable enough to come crawling. Think again, because I am stronger than you may think. Unfortunately, I can't say the same to the next girl because you like them vulnerable."
He shifts while backing away and she gains more of her control.
"I was there for you when you needed someone, dealing with your so-called "anxiety". What an act."
She spits at the air.
 "I think the one who needs help here is you, popping pills and getting off on the stupidest shit! You need dignity and a different view on life. Because you won't get nowhere on how you're going. And trust me I'm sure in the hell not going to be here for you when you fall. You betrayed me and there is no coming back from that."
She took a breath and all he could do in this moment is stand there silently with mixed emotions.
She stepped back to begin to walk away. "Don't ever contact me again."
She walks away silently while he watches her go.

10.15.17

One thing is for sure if I don't stop beating myself up over a guy I barely knew hurting me badly. I would never get out of this rut I'm in. It was time for some changes for the better. Especially working on my happiness and what I want to do. Sitting in silence, for the most part, is not going to help anything. I need to figure out what's wrong and fix it for myself. I know I have a lot of baggage when it comes to relationships. But at least I'm not a horrible person who leads on the person they were interested in and leaves them hanging without being honest about the situation. Still, I'm going to try my best to be positive and make some important decisions in my life. I can't have a reoccurring incident slow me down from achieving what I want in life.

MixtureOfHerLife

Emotions:

I feel like I am falling apart.

 But yet what is there to worry about? What is there to be sad about?

I'm lonely and I really want to be with him, All the prayers lead me to him and I don;t know if I want to act on it. 

He's everything in the standards that I would like to have in a potential spouse,

I'm annoyed at the fact that they're so lovely dovey and it makes me feel unwell.
There is some much going on and I can't seem to find myself.
I think I'm going to be sick, who am I?
Oh God, I'm finally eighteen and I don't know who I am.
My job is fine, but I am now compromised.
It made me feel something beyond the norm.
What happened in the past year in and a half that caused me to be so different?
A feeling so odd it sends signals all over my body and I'm bounded by numbness.
I don't want to feel numb anymore, but I don't want to feel the pain that hovers over my existence.
It lingers in my aura and it causes my cover to be blown.
For some reason I just want to feel that there is something burning in a man's heart for me.
Maybe a miniature flame and my words are the fuel.
But his heart is broken, he is off in his "funk."
Let me be a conqueror queen.
Breaking down the walls of the insecurities.
But this isn't important.
Contradiction is all over the place.
When he is ready, will I be?

Puzzle piece

You ever sit in a open aired room, staring intensely with concentration at a piece trying to figure out where it goes. Voices telling you that this piece should go here and there. But now where do you go from here? You have a piece that sticks out very nicely, and it appeals to you like a diamond in a rhinestone. You're confused on if you really need this piece considering, it is so different from the rest. Studying the outline and how it would look to be placed in a certain place. But then it's time to get up and go to sleep, you're deprived from thinking so much of this piece. This puzzle wore your mind out. You think of how sketchy this piece is and why it was in the box in the first place. But you brush the thought off, nothing less expected, you still think about it. Then when you get back to the puzzle to finish, the piece denigrates before your eyes. Ashes are surrounding your senses, confusion, frustration, and sadness, roam your mind. You wonder what happened, but all you could think of is desperation.

Mental health: Day one.

I am eighteen and I am confused.
At this age everyone told me this set of confusion would happen, but you know what?
I was so worked up for just turning eighteen I forgot about how my mental health would handle it.
In this case, I have anxiety all the time for no reason what so ever. But that's just how my life goes.
As of this moment, the time being 10:32 p.m, September 19th, 2017.
I am currently thinking on how my life is going to be like when I leave for a Christian Bible college.
Yes, a Bible college.
I am conflicted of wanting to go and not wanting to go.
Am I nervous? Very much, yes. But at the same time it's the only college I can go to without having a major problem dealing with my poor ACT score. Unfortunately that test made my chances for other colleges very slim to none.
I don't like how colleges base your general intelligence on a test you have to take a good portion of the day. Maybe if it wasn't timed so strictly maybe more people would get better scores. That's just me rambling.
I think there are many forms of intelligence, but there is a lot of information regarding that. But being the time it is, I am half awake.
Also the college I am going to is out of town and for me that means I have to go find another job.
I really like the job I have now, I work as a cashier at a very popular grocery store. I honestly don't want to leave it. But if I have to leave, I may have to.

Him

There was this guy I hung out with for the first time yesterday, he was so nice and genuine. I have said it multiple times before that other guys I've met are different, but this man has found something in me I can't describe. I'm overly talkative about it, like Aladdin describing Jasmine. I blush every time. He just brings happiness for me, it's very unbelievable. But now he is dealing with the hardness of losing his first girlfriend of two years. He had told me the night after we hung out that he talked to her and it was very difficult. But he won't let me get close yet, but that's okay. I understand more clearly, he still likes her, I wouldn't say love because I don't know that.
  I feel as though I am being ignorant because he is hurting and I am thinking over a lot of scenarios between him and I. He is generally perfect in ways that I don't understand, hard to think of knowing he is in a funk about his ex. But right now I am thinking that leaving him alone for a couple days will help us both. I've become slightly attached and I need to let go, not because I don't want to like him. I don't want to be attached to him right now, it's not a good time. It won't be for awhile I think, giving him time will help him heal. Because I remember when I was hurting really bad, I just wanted to be left alone and cry it out. I am unaware if he is crying it out or not, but if he is I want him to feel like someone is there for him. Not just his roommates, but someone he can trust more and be close with. I won't take advantage of this situation.

Why?

There are some weird thoughts in my head, that everything is not what it seems.
I run my hands over my skin and feel the bone underneath.
My hands to my head feeling down feeling the crease of my skull with my finger tips.
Who am I?
Where am I going with my life?
Why is everything so bad for me right now?
Why was I cursed with horrible anxiety?
Why is my heart always getting toyed with?
Why can't my life be easier?
Why does he keep acting this way?
Why does everyone leave unexpectedly?
Why am I alone again?
Why can't I be social?
Why can't my family leave me alone for once?
Why is there yelling?
Why is there manipulation?
Why is there pain?
Why can't I ever be happy with myself?
Why can't people keep their word?
Where is there so much stress?
Why do I have to do this?
Why is everything going so fast?
Why can't August be here already?
Why won't he give me a chance?
Why can't I find God?
Why can't I see God but feel Him with me?
Why am I so stressed?
Why is my tone so important?
Why do I care so much about what people think of me?
Why do I want to leave?
Why do people think it's okay to feel superior?
Why do these things always happen?
Why?

Unfortunate series of events

I haven't been writing much because honestly, nothing is that important to say.
 I had a stricken mental breakdown last night because of my horrible family member.
 There were things that shouldn't ever be said to a teenage girl with severe anxiety.
 Since then I have been distant and depressed.
 I don't know why or how I deal with the stuff I do.
Surprised I'm still standing, living for that matter.
No, I'm not suicidal.

 My heart is confused and all I can do is try to back off and figure stuff out for myself.
The thing I mostly dislike is that I feel I get led on in different ways and then rejected.
 Is it me?
What's wrong with me?
I am trying to help better my self-image but it's fairly difficult when you don't really have anyone there to get you on that journey.
I miss the old ways my life used to go.
 But I don't want to be a mindless zombie.
 I actually want to be smart and know most things.
It takes just one day, one simple day, of being depressed and then it spreads into an infectious habit for the next month or two.
I am hurting so bad and I don't want to talk about it with anyone.
I am so sick of being lied to, disrespected, manipulated, overpowered, and made to think I am nothing.

I absolutely do not like it when people think they're above me.
You're not above me,
Just because you're more educated than me doesn't mean you're better.
I don't care what your position is or how you're looked at, you treat everyone else the same.

I want to change my life for the better, but how can I?
When the things that are hurting me are permanent.
I had this really good friend that I used to talk to all the time about anything and everything.
I met her at work when I started.
I really enjoyed her company when she was there.
I knew she was having issues in her life and I thought introducing someone to her would make her feel better.
Well, yes and no.
I introduced her to the person and they got to talking quickly and unfortunately made it bad on my part.
"Where did she go?"
"Her boyfriend picked her up."
Nice, I knew I shouldn't have done that.
Now I have no one to talk to.
Eric, the person I used to talk to all the time has his own life and there is no time for me in it anymore.
Then there was another before him, but he looks down at me now and I don't like that.
No, thanks.
Four more miserable months until I'm eighteen and everything will change, hopefully.
I hope and pray something good happens for once.
Because I don't know how much longer I can take of this horrible series of events.
I just need someone to be there for me.
This introvert needs something to look out for her.
Hang out with her so she's not lonely.
Tell her she's not worthless when the world gets her down.
Hug her when she wants to fall to pieces.
Where did everyone go when I needed them the most?

Filing Cabinet Filled With The Wrong Pages

I haven't been writing because school is not only taking all my time, but I haven't got in touch with my emotions quite yet. Can't really write anything when you don't know.
Mainly I'm trying to organize an invisible filing cabinet in the back of my mind.
Sorting through things and deciding things for myself.
 Even though life is hectic right now, all I need to do right now is figure out what I'm feeling and figure it out.
 I had this image in my mind that popped up. It's like an overloaded filing cabinet that is overfilled and the papers are flying everywhere.
 At least it's not giving me paper cuts I can't handle.
When I try to talk to someone about what I'm feeling not only do I forgot what was important.
I tried talking to a close friend of mine the other night, I was so tired and I couldn't get the right things out and I feel like I embarrassed myself.
He doesn't know everything and I should have had spat it out, but I didn't have  it ready in my mind in order to tell him,
 But I feel like it doesn't matter what I say, and hear. No one is going to understand what's happening and honestly, I don't even know what's happening.
Nothing is happening, nothing of high importance.
 That's a lie and I know it. But I can't pick it out.
Resort to step one: Figuring out the problem.
Found it.
I have strayed again.
This is an overused saying but, I need Jesus.

Days

Well, hello again.
Nothing has made its way into the folder of importance in my life. 
But the slight annoyance of the bandage on my middle finger, making it kind of difficult to type.
For some reason this week has been crucial and I'm happy it's almost over. 
I feel so drowsy to the point I don't even want to get out of bed anymore. 
But yet I still do, I still push, but give only a slight effort in getting ready. 
Everything in complicated in the social/dating scene.
Again, barely any effort. 
For some reason, I can't really feel anything when it comes to liking someone. 
Taking a break.
I don't really need to be with someone because I hear all this talk about useless it is to be in a relationship in high school.
But yet I still haven't had that full conversation about it yet.
I feel kind of miserable for some reasons unknown. I can't place a reason.
But why do I feel like this?
Everything is fine.
I'm healthy, breathing, grades are good, and my family is fine.
I don't know what it is.
Alone.
I applied all the correct changes into my life and it made a temporary happiness.
But God knows I needed to make those changes.
I think I'm tired of my same old routine. 
Wake up, school, work.
That's my week right there. 
Well, besides on Wednesdays. 
That's the only day thing are changed around. 
Becuase I actually have time to change things around.
I thought that I just needed to get out more with friends.
But when I go out and have fun for a day I want to stay home the next day to sleep.
I get socially tired.
But it doesn't stop me.
I just wish I had more people to hang out with.
What a shame.

Princess

There was a little princess happier than eyes could see.

She lived in her castle with her own conformity.

Until one day her castle shook with tragedy.

The King had taken her father to glory. 

The little princess was alone and had to be for most of her time.

Her crown tilted slightly until it fell,

Her childhood passed and she grew independently.

Then she had to leave her castle because she didn't want to see the queen cry anymore.

Conformity took her years until it left her solid.

The way she could feel close to her father was the brightest star out her window.

That he would look down on her shining, granting comfort and peace.

She grew with knives and fire.

But couldn't find her happy place she once had. 

She was left at night to be wounded and in the skies. 

Until it came a day her eyes would be opened.

Til she entered and sat in a room with a standing man dressed in black and white.

Speaking of a King, a King of glory.

She picked up her crown that had fallen, placing it back on her head. 

The gems took their colors, brightly.

She carried on with her wounds and the gems changed colors.

Now her crown is straightened and all she wants to do is serve her King's kingdom.

Lost friendship

My heart aches for what is happening between us.
It is so tragic to see someone who you've known for a couple years, that you've shared many life experiences with, fall away.
Someone who actually saw you for who you were, who smiled, cried, and cared for you.
A person who took everything you said into consideration because your mind sees right through them and same as you.
The laughs, jokes, and take out.
Distance and silence are kinda like drinking poison, feasting on the well-being, of the relationship you share with a person. 
Slowly but surely eating away at your sanity.
Causing you great pain over a band of the time. 
I will always love you and cherish the times we spent together.
I'm sorry it had to be this way.
Don't forget me, and don't forget the good times.
Take care of yourself and your family.

Love your old friend.

Hands and palms

Grab my hand and smile darlin' because there is a mystery you can piece together. 

Founded by hand connections and line readings.

Reading in between the lines.

What kind of love can be made from silence and incompetent stares?

Refusing but enlightening, caring but unnecessary.

Take a chance and have a dance with me under the light of the screaming moon. That sends peace and cool breezing air. 

Serenity like a gun to shoot love through your soft heart. 

BAM!

There goes my heart, now carefully hold it for it is glass. 

Turn it into stone over time to be clear.

For it can be turned into a diamond when it comes to hearing the beautiful bells to my ears. 

When white is for innocence and true love.

Now let me see your hand, for my hand lay. 

Careful and caring, but critical and confident.

You take off the mask for your real face to be seen.

I lost my mask, for God has broken and burned the tassels.

 Melted away the paint that withheld my real capabilities.

Talk is slow and incomplete.

Show yourself with actions.

For I am easily happy within the realm of yours presence. 

Under the stars

There was nothing at this time that I could do to understand why everything happened at once. No one could understand where I was not even me.Hiding in the cold, dark, forest surrounded by nothing but my unstable thoughts. The thoughts that could drown my happiness in the night. The day you left me there in the park, under the moon, under the stars, we gazed on. I never knew the cause of the pain you were feeling and you wouldn’t tell me. You told me that all that you felt was nothing compared to our love. But why did you leave? I knew I could take it. But instead in front of the bright holy moon, I was taken instead.

 Now in my head, I could sense the stars rotating around my cracked skull. My body was laid upon the ground. But I couldn’t see, darkness flooded my sight. For the loss of blood was causing my unconsciousness. I could feel the roughness of the rock that I was laying upon. Unable to move I open my eyes for the second and last time for the night. To see the lifeless corpse swaying in front of my face. I could feel my spirit leaving my body.

  I didn’t have the will to speak, but enough to stand. Smoke filled my lungs and I coughed. The smell of cheap cologne and rain infested air. I always remembered the smell because David and I used to stand in the rain and enjoy the pleasant sight of nature at its finest. I see David in front of the entrance of the forest. I walk out to see the water fountain at the end of the park. He gives me a smile of regret and opened his arms to invite me in. I run to him and jump into his arms. Warmth ran through my body for once, and now I can finally feel something. I look into his eyes and stare. “Does this mean you’ll let me in?” He pushes hair from my face to behind my ear, staring at my lips. “I made a mistake of not letting you in. I’m sorry.” I smile and take a free breath. “You never have to be sorry, just don’t push me away.” He frowns and lays his head on my shoulder “Let me be there for you, be there for me.” I hear his sniffing on my shoulder and scuffled voice. “I’m sorry.” He lays his head up from my shoulder, his glistening eyes meet mine. “I love you.” Our smiles couldn’t shine any brighter. Thunder rolls a crossed in the sky and that wasn’t enough to unlock our gaze. We slowly met in a kiss, I wrap my arms behind his neck. When we released I stared once again into the eyes of an angel and smiled. “I love you too.”

  I smiled and grabbed his hand, howling wind filling our ears. We walked down the sidewalk towards the fountain. Nothing could affect the happiness in the world we were standing on. When there was noise, footsteps behind us. The worst fear that could ever fill me unforeseen shadows.He could see the fear on my face. “What’s wrong?” I ignored his question as I could see a shadow forming in front of us as of a memory was coming back. I could hear high-pitched screaming, it sounded the same as when I was a child. I let go of his hand and covered my ears. His face read confusion, of trying to find an answer to an unknown question.  Then I recognized the memory. Of the terrifying time where I couldn’t ever find clarity from, no matter how much I try to cope. A body laid before me as it was a stone. I started to hyperventilate, falling to my knees, I screamed. “Mom!” I covered my head as I could hear the screaming getting louder! David was frozen still as the shadow brought back the sight of his demons that tried to force his hand to a blade. He shooed away the smoke from his memory forcefully. Trying to pick me up from behind, from the ground. I refused to hold out my arms and legs trying to comfort an unforeseen memory that wasn’t even there. He held me to his chest holding me tight so I could stop shaking and find comfort again. “What was that?” He said. She didn't speak she was trying to find her normality to ease her sanity. “What is happening?” He led me to the bench near a light pole. The air didn’t feel any less dense than before. He held me close and we sat in silence for less than a minute. He groaned as if he was in pain. “Are you ok-” Before I could finish my question I looked at his neck and saw a bruise wrapping around. He began to cough like he was gasping for air. “Maybe we need to go back to the forest.” He stood up and massaged the pain. I stood with him unable to look away from the bruise. He grabbed my hand and pulled me along until I went the pace he was going. The air grew denser as we moved closer to the entrance. I stood close to him holding his hand tight as we entered. My head began to hurt like a splitting headache was forming. I felt dizzy for a second and almost collapsed, but luckily he caught me. “Come on, you’ll be okay.” He said, wrapping my arm around the back of his neck. Keeping me steady, the headache went slightly to the point where I didn’t need to be carried. I held onto his arm as we walked forward. We stopped and I could feel my body grow cold, I couldn’t move. As I saw his body hanging directly above the ground, lifeless, and pale. I snapped out of it and when I did I fell to my knees and screamed. Uncontrollable shaking and crying were the only things I could do. He stood before himself swaying side to side and looked as though he had witnessed a murder. “I know what happened.” He said in a whisper as he walked behind a tree to see my pale unconscious body. Blood flowing from my head down to my neck. I stood still shaking putting my face into my sweater sleeves. I walked behind him to see what had happened. I felt my stomach twist. “W-we’re dead?” His eyes couldn’t leave my body. “I need to tell you something.” He looked me in my eyes and I could tell by the way they were glistening he was upset. “What is it?” A tear fell from his eye as he spoke. “I died here because I found you here like this. I shouldn’t have left you there. I know I shouldn't have.” His voice began to shake and my eyes watered up and tears fell from my eyes to my sweater. “I always loved you, I just didn’t want to lay my burdens on your shoulders. You have enough to deal with an-”

“You should’ve told me. You were never going to be a burden because I love you.” My voice shook as I laid my hand on his arm. He looked at me and smiled. “At least we’ll be together forever.”

Blank faces (Horror)

In the midst of the night I lay before the tree that shows no life, leaves surround me in a circle. The moon is screaming it’s brightness at me. I close my eyes tight. Only a dream, only a dream. Warm liquid dripping down my cheeks down to my neck. I can’t move, my arms are out wide and my body is flat on the cold prickly ground. I turn my head to the side and the dips of warmth run down the side of my face. As I open my eyes I can’t help to feel the pressure on my chest. Heavy like a pile of bricks stacked one by one. I start to hyperventilate because I can’t scream. But to able to breathe, an unforeseen blessing that was given from a higher entity.

  I move my fingers on my right hand and a rush of pain runs through my arm. I scream and this time I can hear it. The pitch echoed as if I was in an enclosed room. I close my eyes once more and move my body upward, shockingly without the excruciating pain. My heart raced but I’m barely breathing. I don’t dare to open my eyes to see what holds before me. I can’t move I am frozen in a sitting position, but I can move my arms. I open my eyes and look down immediately. I rub my cheek to examine the liquid which dripped upon my pale skin. Vibrant red stared back at me. Blood. I look up slowly but to see feet with the same red running down the legs of the dead. I screamed until my lungs burned, the echoing hurt my ears, the high pitch is too much.  I see the blank face of the women I once knew, who raised me, who birthed me. The scratchy rope that wrapped itself lovingly around her neck. Lines of where a blade had cut on the sides of her hips, and down her wrists.

“Mom, no!” I screamed blatantly. I know she couldn't hear me. I knew this wasn’t real. I held my arms around my body putting my hand down, tears are rolling down my face. “It’s not your fault.” I looked up and all she did was, well all it did was sway from side to side like the wind caught its weightless body. I believe after someone died that they’re no longer named as an existence. Not a “she” or “he”, just an “it”. No heartbeat means no name.

  I laid my head into my hands, then I hear a loud thump. I look up again, and the body had fallen. As if the rope was too weak to hold the weight. It laid on its side and didn’t move. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. I lifted my legs and placed my head on my knees I can’t stand to see this anymore. Then all of a sudden I hear a groan, I slowly lifted my head. I saw the body was moving. I gasped and laid both of my hands on the ground, my eyes couldn’t be any bigger. The body groaned louder this time and rolled up onto its knees. I try to back up, but before I do the body has already thrown itself on top me. I leave my hands up to keep it away from my face and as far as possible. It suddenly screamed right into my face something I never needed to hear. “It’s all your fault!”  

Unfinished business

I keep having these reoccurring dreams about my old family house. The house I lived in since I was six, with my mother, father, and brother. Before I moved to a new city. This vivid dream I had today was something different, something not exactly expected.
 I was in the house in my brother's old bedroom. He had moved out because he graduated and he was moving on in life. He lived with my grandmother, who is now deceased. It was just my mother and me.  She was cooking some sort of bacon. (Yes, odd, I know.)
But I was going back and forth from my old bedroom to my new one, which was my brothers. I was always jealous because how much more space he had in his room. Plus his bed was much more comfortable. Anywho I was going into my old bedroom to gather things for my new room. In my dream, I kept questioning where my collage of photos was. Which was none existent at this point in time, but does exist in my room right now. Then I was taking down pictures from the wall next to my bed, oddly enough they were of my Stepfather, my mother, and I from now.  Note mt mother did not meet my stepfather at this time. Plus one of me as a child leaning over the porch where I live now. Another was a frame with a tiny collage of my father which was deceased at this time. It was odd because I could smell everything. It was like I was walking through a memory. Some things were changed. I never had frames, I had printed photos of individual bands.
  My conclusion from this dream is that I have unfinished business in that house, not knowing what it is. An important factor was my father lived in that house with my brother when and before he died. He didn't die in the house, though I think he may still be linked. My mother always thought it was haunted. Now my quest is to find out what the unfinished business is. I haven't been in that house in five years. Maybe it's time for a visit.

Sappy book review.

So, I'm not one with sappy romance novels, but I've made an exception. I am currently reading a book called "Tell me three things." and it completely has me hooked. The only time I've had to put it down was when I was out with my crew. Or you could say "Krew" as they say it. But I love my family. Nothing brings me more joy than spending time with them. As you may think a person reading this, I am not just saying that I mean it.
  But anywho back to the sappy book that has caught my attention. I am only on chapter nine so I don't have much to share. But this book shows the main character, Jessica Holmes, going through some difficult changes happening in her life. Due to her mother's ovarian cancer which took her life later on in the past couple years. Her father gets remarried shortly after the death of his wife, her mother, approximately a year and ten months later. Yes, as a person that basically had the same issue happen in their life. I would know that one year and ten months after the death of a parent is not enough time. Honestly, a lifetime doesn't seem like not enough time for your widow parent to get remarried. Alright, enough about that. Her father gets remarried and tells her that they're leaving the family home and city, Chicago, that she grew up in. To go live in another place, Los Angles, with a new school, and with no friends. It is well shown in the book that she is not happy about the changes, and is not looking forward to leaving all she knows behind. Who would be?
  In the story, as she moves into the new home, she clearly cannot be settled, and she has constant emotions about her father on whether or not he hates him for a being a gold digger. Or simply trying to make himself happy again with a new life. Jessie appears to constantly think about the memories that she and her father had when her mother was still alive. Then, starts receiving emails from an anonymous person, giving her the rundown of how things went down in the school. This emailer's name happens to be "Somebody Nobody" and in the email's subject matter was always funny. It made me laugh in the middle of the library and some people actually looked at me like something was wrong inside my head. Nope, just book humor. As an example of the conversational subject matter, they would in order send is...
"Subject: Lazy, verbose, AND nosy"
"Subject: lazy, verbose, nosy, and... handsome"
"Subject: Lazy, verbose, nosy, handsome, and... modest"
Didn't want to include all of what was in the book because I, myself, am also lazy. This dialogue is obviously not funny but is an adorable flirting adaptation in the characters, ha, now you see where it caught me. I like to see this kind of dialogue in my books. Like they're talking back in forth in an email format, then a little bit further into the book it switches to them talking in a different digital formatting. More of talking in a chat box on your email, because he grows weary of constantly refreshing his email.
  Now she is in school she is getting made fun of for her looks, and how she dresses. But that, of course, doesn't stop her from eyeing a guy from her class; that is also getting chased around by girls who are also eyeing him. Her thoughts mainly take control and you can tell she has a lot on her plate. Losing her mother, father getting remarried, moving, missing her best friend, receiving emails from an anonymous guy, then now being made fun of, and of course trying to figure out if "Batman" the guy she is eyeing, actually named Ethan; is the anonymous guy emailing her. A mouthful, eh? Indeed.
  Now closer to where I am at in the book she is trying to have a decent relationship with her Stepbrother, Theo. He is not happy with the new marriage, and her father's new job at the grocery store next to the school. He is quite of upset at the fact her father is working there because he is working as a pharmacist. To Theo, that job is nothing, and he is embarrassed by him working there.

That's all I have for now and will update this as soon as I have more read. Thanks for reading,

Runner of love

All my life I was alone in my own head, with some things that did not make sense. I lived in a small town, needless to say, called Stover with a very small population of people. So I decided to do my own thing and not worry about anyone but myself. Of course, my family was important to me, but they were barely around at this time in my life. My mother working three jobs to support me and my brother. My brother was always out doing something.

  I never accepted my mother having boyfriends because of the loss of my father when I was nine years old. Who would? Who would want their mother being with another man after her father dying tragically? I never understood why she did what she did. But now I understand as a teenager that everyone needs love. Not only the love of a significant other, but family, and friends. I didn’t have many friends. Even when I did they were very disinterested in me and would bully, talk about me to others, and lie straight to my face.

What I did was get my school work done and get on the internet. That was my safe haven since no one was home and there was nothing better to do. I had okay grades for a young kid, nothing too bad. I never participated because of my shyness and the tragic truth of being a social outcast.

  One day my mother told me she was leaving for a couple hours and I was of course home alone with my annoying older brother. She came home later that evening with some shocking news that made my jaw drop to the floor. She told my brother and me that she was engaged to a man she has been currently dating. I honestly don’t know what my brother thought of this. I couldn’t tell with the blank expression he always had on his face. But I could tell deep inside he was not happy.

  When my mother and I were packing to live in Columbia, Missouri where he lived, I packed everything I had and that was close to me. Such as my father’s ashes, wallet, and pictures. But we left and lost a lot of our stuff due to my thieving uncle. When we got there I quickly unpacked my things and placed my father’s ashes on a shelf near the television. Everything was changing for me and I didn’t know what to make of it.

  I started school at Lange middle school in the sixth grade and felt very left out. These were the years where I struggled to fit in, so I was bullied by a person that didn’t give up until sophomore year of high school. These also were the years where I was so alone I thought nobody needed my existence and began to self-harm since I couldn’t feel anything emotionally, I decided to take it upon myself to feel something physically. The reason for the depression and anxiousness was because I thought no one liked me and didn’t want me around. So there were points where I tried to end my life. I felt utterly useless to the world and my existence was worthless.

  Later on, in the seventh-grade year, I was invited to church by one of my old friends, Brianna. I was very uncertain if I should’ve gone to a place that I haven’t gone to before meeting new strangers. But I thought that it might have been a good idea to get out there and meet new people and not be isolated. So, I went one afternoon after I got home from school and honestly it was the best thing I have ever done. There were people there that were so supportive and nice. Even though I didn’t talk much they still accepted me. I was very anti-social at that time of going to church. Then from there, I started going every Wednesday and Sunday, growing and prospering. I still go today and I am very involved with all the activities and sermons. But after sixth, seventh, and eighth grade I was still depressed, still having a lot of things on my mind.

  It was the summer separating eighth to ninth grade that I was severely depressed and had really bad suicidal tendencies. It was one night that I called a hotline from Burrell, telling them what was on my mind. They told my mother to take me to the hospital. I told myself I was not safe to stay home and have those thoughts. I decided to stay for the five days so they could evaluate me.

They asked me questions about my past and what happened. Then one day a man named Bryce, came to visit me. I would have to say it was the best visit, that changed my life forever. He comes in and told me about all the things that could be affecting me and to stay away from them. Plus teaching me very important things from the Bible like the “Be still and know that I am God.” He also shared experiences with me that he had that related to mine. He knew that I was damaged and I still am. But now I know how to deal with it. My preacher, Trent, also came and told me to pray and to stay as strong as possible. It was hard enough holding back tears when it came to seeing my family, seeing me in a defeated position.When Bryce left the hospital I was so inspired by his words and what he wrote down on the board. I used what he wrote and taught it to some of the people that were there. When I was teaching one of the girls named Madison she told me I should be a teacher. That’s why now I want to be a Youth Minister and Youth counselor. Of course, it’s religious based because that’s my life now. It will always be my life. When I left the hospital three days later I was diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety, and insomnia. But I don’t let it stop me.

 Now I really care about people and helping them with their problems, devoting my life to serving, helping, and caring for those in need. I don’t want to see people fall and stay down, I want them to get up and prosper like I did. Because there is hope even when you don’t see it. Don’t get me wrong I still get depressed and getting really anxious to the point where I have an anxiety attack. But again, I don’t let it stop me. The problems I face help me help those who have the same problems. I know now that there is no giving up only opening up your eyes and seeing the light.

   

Her memory

When I was younger I had a lot of memories that made the girl you see today. Not many things in life can change a person unless you really tried. But with family, anything can change you. Whether it be you went to Disneyland, or to the beach, memories form. For me, it was to can hunt with my father. I remember waking up early to leave every morning to go with him. He would load the back of the truck with some trash bags and of course, being a tiny munchkin, he brought tinier bags. Traveling slowly down an old gravel road, carefully eyeing cans. A song he and I favored was On The Road Again by Willie Nelson. Ah, it was the time him and I would sing along. These memories are only solidly implanted in my brain not only because I really enjoyed these moments with him.     

   But I lost him eight years ago due to a car accident. All the memories that you have with a person that you love the most can’t really just vanish in time if you really favor them. But of course, as the years go by, the memories twinkle and fade. I don’t know anyone who wouldn’t miss someone and their memories, especially your own father. Those days and the beautiful times we shared, I laid to rest a couple years ago. But Lord knows I carry peace from laying it down. Written in a chapter I wrote a couple years ago. Ya know, the age you’re right now? Yeah, I see age as a chapter and of course, we all started at a solid point. Being written day by day. Like you read a page with some form of motion and or action the main character is doing, you are the main character. You’re the one writing the book, well metaphorically. Honestly, I’m glad I got to spend a good nine chapters with my father because not many people can say that. Not many can say they had any memories with their father and that causes a pin needle sting to my heart because everyone should be able to have some memories with their father. You never know when you are going to be sitting in a room staring at an Ern thinking about them instead of making more wonderful memories. My life story, or life book, I should say, hasn’t ended because of the loss. But it has taught me to be strong every day not having him in my life and to cherish the days I have with my mother and brother. The song only reminds me of the specific memory of can hunting with him in the morning, that’s why I also enjoy the outdoors even if I don’t go out very much.

Her

In the ways of the world, she always found her way around every struggle life put her through. She would have the face of determination and power.

But sometimes with those characteristics, the light she has, fades out and it makes her life turn black and white.

Even when she smiles in these times, no one could tell whether she was happy or if there was something wrong.

But she always remembers her faith in these times.

But when your brain has a surrounding of stormy clouds, real thoughts and emotions are hard to capture.

Hard to maintain and hard to express, even when her colored heart screams love in plea.

Her heart has carried damage for the most part.

But her goal is to let go of the past and expose herself to the present.

But how can she when her heart is attached to the things she loved so dear.

Her heart fools her all the time by thinking it is filled with love for one, maybe two.

But she only has true feelings for one and only one.

Her soul spears and blushes when the sight of his face is visible.

Because she can read what is underneath the surface.

For he can be the reason behind her elated smile.

For his eyes remind her of the sky and unforeseen mysteries.

In the wake of the day, she dreams about roses in pink.

For the day she hopes that her soul is meek.

Ponder and praise, shaking out of the daze she puts herself in daily.

But today she can hardly think, her eyes are heavy with dark and clouds have gathered.

God only knows how much she can handle before her heart and mind give in.

All she ever wants to see is the brightness of the sky, the clouds beautifully separate before her eyes.

The cool air to blow back her dark brown hair heavily.

For she knows this is a heavenly gift God has given.

She loves nature and all its fine looks.

Her eyes widen with amazement when she sees the mountains.

But when she stood up on them she was breathless, as though she had reached the sky.

But in the light, as she stood she never let a chance run by. Because she was adventurous and witted.

She can’t help but be more anxious because of the past that caused her innocence to shoot into the moon.

In the order to get her heart to strengthen she had to go through trials that almost killed her. Like a child living in the wild refusing to take sources to live.

But now she is free, now she can actually see the light to the other side.

To be able to dream and see what she can achieve.

For she is the reason why many hold on to dear life, many to smile, and many to keep trying.

She will be the flare that roams the Earth. For she is a child of God.