All my life I was alone in my own head, with some things that did not make sense. I lived in a small town, needless to say, called Stover with a very small population of people. So I decided to do my own thing and not worry about anyone but myself. Of course, my family was important to me, but they were barely around at this time in my life. My mother working three jobs to support me and my brother. My brother was always out doing something.
I never accepted my mother having boyfriends because of the loss of my father when I was nine years old. Who would? Who would want their mother being with another man after her father dying tragically? I never understood why she did what she did. But now I understand as a teenager that everyone needs love. Not only the love of a significant other, but family, and friends. I didn’t have many friends. Even when I did they were very disinterested in me and would bully, talk about me to others, and lie straight to my face.
What I did was get my school work done and get on the internet. That was my safe haven since no one was home and there was nothing better to do. I had okay grades for a young kid, nothing too bad. I never participated because of my shyness and the tragic truth of being a social outcast.
One day my mother told me she was leaving for a couple hours and I was of course home alone with my annoying older brother. She came home later that evening with some shocking news that made my jaw drop to the floor. She told my brother and me that she was engaged to a man she has been currently dating. I honestly don’t know what my brother thought of this. I couldn’t tell with the blank expression he always had on his face. But I could tell deep inside he was not happy.
When my mother and I were packing to live in Columbia, Missouri where he lived, I packed everything I had and that was close to me. Such as my father’s ashes, wallet, and pictures. But we left and lost a lot of our stuff due to my thieving uncle. When we got there I quickly unpacked my things and placed my father’s ashes on a shelf near the television. Everything was changing for me and I didn’t know what to make of it.
I started school at Lange middle school in the sixth grade and felt very left out. These were the years where I struggled to fit in, so I was bullied by a person that didn’t give up until sophomore year of high school. These also were the years where I was so alone I thought nobody needed my existence and began to self-harm since I couldn’t feel anything emotionally, I decided to take it upon myself to feel something physically. The reason for the depression and anxiousness was because I thought no one liked me and didn’t want me around. So there were points where I tried to end my life. I felt utterly useless to the world and my existence was worthless.
Later on, in the seventh-grade year, I was invited to church by one of my old friends, Brianna. I was very uncertain if I should’ve gone to a place that I haven’t gone to before meeting new strangers. But I thought that it might have been a good idea to get out there and meet new people and not be isolated. So, I went one afternoon after I got home from school and honestly it was the best thing I have ever done. There were people there that were so supportive and nice. Even though I didn’t talk much they still accepted me. I was very anti-social at that time of going to church. Then from there, I started going every Wednesday and Sunday, growing and prospering. I still go today and I am very involved with all the activities and sermons. But after sixth, seventh, and eighth grade I was still depressed, still having a lot of things on my mind.
It was the summer separating eighth to ninth grade that I was severely depressed and had really bad suicidal tendencies. It was one night that I called a hotline from Burrell, telling them what was on my mind. They told my mother to take me to the hospital. I told myself I was not safe to stay home and have those thoughts. I decided to stay for the five days so they could evaluate me.
They asked me questions about my past and what happened. Then one day a man named Bryce, came to visit me. I would have to say it was the best visit, that changed my life forever. He comes in and told me about all the things that could be affecting me and to stay away from them. Plus teaching me very important things from the Bible like the “Be still and know that I am God.” He also shared experiences with me that he had that related to mine. He knew that I was damaged and I still am. But now I know how to deal with it. My preacher, Trent, also came and told me to pray and to stay as strong as possible. It was hard enough holding back tears when it came to seeing my family, seeing me in a defeated position.When Bryce left the hospital I was so inspired by his words and what he wrote down on the board. I used what he wrote and taught it to some of the people that were there. When I was teaching one of the girls named Madison she told me I should be a teacher. That’s why now I want to be a Youth Minister and Youth counselor. Of course, it’s religious based because that’s my life now. It will always be my life. When I left the hospital three days later I was diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety, and insomnia. But I don’t let it stop me.
Now I really care about people and helping them with their problems, devoting my life to serving, helping, and caring for those in need. I don’t want to see people fall and stay down, I want them to get up and prosper like I did. Because there is hope even when you don’t see it. Don’t get me wrong I still get depressed and getting really anxious to the point where I have an anxiety attack. But again, I don’t let it stop me. The problems I face help me help those who have the same problems. I know now that there is no giving up only opening up your eyes and seeing the light.
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