Trying again is going to be hard, but as of now, I don't want to be with anyone. But at the same time, I'm partly lying. My heart is damaged but I could find someone to fix it. Is that going to be easy? No, absolutely not.
I've been procrastinating on my life, I really need to put more hours in and make more money. At the same time, I want to be lazy, lay in bed and not move. Sounds like my depression is getting the best of me again. I should be excited to have a job because some people don't have one. In this moment in time I want to improve myself, but now I can't because I feel like I have chains holding on to me.
Religious wise, I think I need more to pull me back in. I like the idea of something existing, but I don't know about it. I think the grog of life has affected my sense of rationality. I really need a better influence. In this case, I'm sitting on my behind, and someone needs to pull me back up. I need to be more educated.
I feel the strength weakening in me and for now, it's steady. But how do I get back on my feet? I don't like to rely on anyone, I want to be my own hero. Because the experience I gain from that will help guide me in the future to help others. It's not bad to rely on people, no. But I like to have the experience for myself. I just want to hide for a little while. Or at least have life slow down a bit.
5:09PM
I am sitting at the church in silence, it helps me actually think before everyone starts coming in and making noise. Noise being their voices, a bit harsh, but I never get silence. Especially to myself, because at home there is never silence unless everyone is gone. I guess I'm going out with a friend of mine tonight after. I really don't want anyone else but him to go. I just want a calming, decently quiet place to relax. Nothing more relaxing than piano music and a cold drink.
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