Mental Health: Day Nine/Shout out to readers

Audience, that reads my work on this blog, please know that you all are amazing for reading and sticking with me through all this. I absolutely love seeing the views pop up and it surprises me so much! You who read are the products of my concentration. 


11:42-11:51pm
I'm doing pretty great as of right now. Thinking about all the things that make me happy. I am listening to music to calm the irritation of my overthinking mind. Tonight I'm actually going to get a lot of stuff done, potentially finish my semester project and watch some videos for extra credit. He really inspires me to be my best, he sees potential in me. I think he is a keeper. As of October twenty-ninth, he is my boyfriend. I have been telling myself that going slow is a good thing. Because I can already tell there will be a lot of adventures and incredible conversations. 
I see stars again. 
I also want to work on my cursive. I like to live in the past where these things used to be cool. I saw a lot of cute kids in their costumes. Makes me think about having a family in the future. It's a great thought, but isn't it too early? I have also dreamed of my wedding since I was a little girl, basically like every other girl. 
I am going to buy a Polaroid camera for his and I's adventures together. 
Goodness, he makes me so happy. That's all for now.

Mental Health: Day Eight

Something is in the atmosphere and it's causing a conflicted academic. I think all the decisions as of late have been miscalculated and I was upset for the wrong reasons. Of course, it is very easy to get in trouble for something you're not supposed to do. But it's your decisions and you will eventually learn from them. Which here is my decision, I have decided to open back up to the thought of love. I want to see potential in that overused word. With Bradon, I really want to find more in liking someone. I want to adventure with my ideas and open the world for what it is, not worrying all the time. I'm getting older now and I thinks it's time to bring in new ideas and adventures. Which honestly, with the conversation with Bradon about traveling. I couldn't have any other person to do it with but him. He seems passionate about the things he does. Maybe that's what I need in a person, passion, openness, outgoing, and very excited to see the world another person does. Could this be the start of something amazing? I pray, it is. Lord knows I need it. Tonight I am going to try really hard to have a joyful spirit at work, even considering that tomorrow is Halloween and I have nothing for a costume.
Then I am going to come home and take a walk, something I need to start doing to clear my conflicted thoughts and anger. Where was the anger coming from? I don't know, I really need to get out of my own head and living life for the now, and get something from it. Before it completely eats me alive.
But isn't getting into my own head something I have trying to receive for years?
I have close-minded for years and I needed to open up. I noticed my closeness when I started taking a certain class.
I'm open-minded now.
Time to shine.

Dear God.

Dear God,

It seems to me that everything is going in circles, but at the same time, it's going great. I feel so self-centered for no reason. I don't apply attention to me. I don't like it at all. But today, today was amazing and I didn't want it to end. But at the same time, I wanted everything to stop. I don't know why I just don't have the will anymore. I feel like I want to lay in bed all the time, but I also want to go, go, go. Get things done in a certain way, every single day. I don't ever have any fun and right now I feel like I  am having way to much fun. Do you agree? Should I stop? What is happening? There is nothing really serious going on right now. Well, of course, we have a boy I really like right now. We actually went on a date today. I really enjoyed hanging out with him, he seems like a fit. You know why I don't feel anything besides high feelings. The massive pain I just dealt with before B asked me. I would like to start a relationship with him. I want to go slow. Hopefully, he feels the same. For some reason now, I don't feel much of anything. I want my happiness back, please. B makes me really happy, bring him around me. Give me a sign that this is the route to my happiness. Because God, honestly, I don't have much strength. I need sleep and a lot of it, please refresh me and give me the signs that will educate me.

Mental Health: Day Seven

9:06am: I decided to take my medication this morning and now I feel great.
We have a guest speaker today and he is very interesting.
"Relaxed attention."
Trust me I am very relaxed and very attentive.
I'm not refilling my prescription next time.
I really don't think I need it.
It kind of makes me eat a lot when I don't want to.
I kind of want to fast until tonight when I get some free food from work.
The class appears full and it's more unnerving than anything else.
My mother told me I didn't have to go to school today.
She just didn't want to pick me up from school.
Tough Beans.
"Meditation called Coming Back."
This is weird, considering I have been thinking about this title for a long time.
Maybe to have a religious perspective, we have to be involved in meditation.
I see why I don't meditate, I don't want to think about my body unless I'm in meditation.
Even then I don't want to feel it, it aches on the inside.
I felt my body wave with my heartbeat.
We did this meditation where you have a partner and we ask for three minutes, "Who are you?"
You say the first thing that comes to mind.
I said a lot of sensitive things, but in a sense, I said what I feel.
Conflicted.
Angry.
Confused.
Devastated.
Mildly insane.
Sensitive.
Achey.
Concerned.
Don't care.
Liver.
Hungry.
Coffee.
Unsure.
Damaged.
Me.
Procrastination.
Mixed.


"Being here meditation."
Sit still, listeing to our breath, opening and feeling the thoughts through our sky like mind.
Resting.

I didn't really get into it because I can't seem to narrow down my thoughts.
It's like stretching out play dough.

Something More Than Just A Thought

Something always ringing in my ear.
I am senseless, constant noise can become that pain.
Pain that is a form of warmth in the center of my chest.
Triggering the nerves that have become so very thin over the years.
Nervousness coursing through my veins that start a bitter mood.
Turning every which way can cause weird feelings of dread.
The world isn't ready for me yet, it's running a path.
Leading me into the calm with every wind caught breath.
Let the air become a little denser, but then let your head become lighter.
The beginning starts with less matter, but only leads to the climax.
Then the person is open-minded.
Something will come up.
Something will bring happiness.
Something will bring you back.

Mental Health: Day Six

The start of this morning went pretty smoothly, I didn't get up at five am like I should have. But I think I should be able to lose weight if I just don't eat that much. I need to think that food is given for a prize more than it's mine and I can eat it whenever I want. Because when I eat I think of all the money that I've wasted not only from restaurants but from the store. I have eaten so much for the past couple days and I shouldn't have. I think I need to balance things. But sometimes I can't seem to wrap my mind around that concept. I have church tonight and I haven't decided if I wanted to take some medicine before I go. But at the same time, I don't want to. Because it'll make me go all over the place. I don't understand why people have to be so repulsive. There is a that sits with us all the time and he acts like an idiot.
I feel there is a lock on me and I don't know how to get it off, I don't have a key. Do I need to find something? Faith? Love? Acceptance? But what for? All of my friends are oddballs, I fit in just fine.
I need to get my head out of the water though.

Mental Health: Day Five

This morning everything seems gloomy. I was looking forward to going controller hunting with T after school this afternoon. But recently he's been treating like shit for no reason. I just want to hang out with him. Maybe he thinks I'm into him or something. Am I?
No, I don't want to be involved with anyone, if I do I'll want to go slow. Like with Bradon I can be myself and not worry about his judgement. Speaking of, he asked me to lunch after church on Sunday, a date. This came to me as shock when he texted me, I was confused at first if he liked me and of course, being me, I asked him if he did. He said "Yes, I do. That's why I asked you to lunch."
 He is open and willing to go to church with me, which is a good step.
Back to the main subject, T and I have been friends for four years and trust me it has been a bipolar. I don't understand why he hangs out with the people he does. They are bad influences, me saying that is very rare. But I have been around his friends and they're rubbing off. It's disturbing. I think him and I are still close. I don't know anymore.

Mental Health: Part Four 10.24.17

Today everything needs to be bolder, to make myself feel somewhat complete. I feel kind of sick, I feel some stuff coming up in my throat, when I take a drink it goes back down. I just don't want to be here right now. Today has been more of a day since I woke up, Bradon tested me this morning just to say good morning. I should feel happiness from it. But due to the unfortunate events that happened less then four weeks ago. I need to let it go. I saw a picture on my Instagram the other day. Miranda posted a picture of Lucas and it made me upset. But fortunately for me Bradon was working and he made me feel better. But as of now, I need to sleep.

Mental Health: Day Three

Right now in this very moment I feel like the world is moving around me and I have no place.
I am having difficulties trying to find a person who feels the same way I feel, but not everyone has the same thoughts and ideas as me. Lately all I want to do is be lazy, that being laying in bed and not wanting to move. Watching a show or reading on my Nook. I feel a grog coming back, it's really hurting my productivity and strength. I don't want to ask for help from anyone because I am one of those people who think they can do everything by themselves. That's not always the case though, I tend to ask for to much when I do need the help. I have been using music as a coping mechanism, mainly to ease anxiety. Basically to melt off the stress, caused by the anxiety. Since I have been taking new medication for a different side of my health, everything seems to be generally effected. I just want to be calm and relaxed to be able to concentrate on what's really important. Such as completely my book at a certain time, school and the work given, walking every morning, relationships. I really need to work on my productivity as well, easier said then done. Why is that? You may ask this in your head, well, being me I have a lot going on my head 24/7, and for some reason when I want to do something that is needed, I get distracted very easily by something else.
Reading goes to sleeping.
Watching a show goes to sleeping.
Writing something goes to me trying to find a song on YouTube, then suddenly finding a video I want to watch from a creator.
Or writing goes to me listening to the lyrics of the song I am hearing.
I like the thought of how music has the power to change your mood very easy.
Now, I'm just tired, physically.

Snow/purity

Something that hasn't come in about a year now, but there is no rush.
 It has a sense of causing slight difficulty in most lives.
 Most find clarity, finding it amazing since it's not often seen most times.
I enjoy the softness it puts on my vision since I find the beauty in it.
At most times it causes some complications because it comes and goes when we least expect it.
But now, think of the snow in the form of a person, you see the blank color.
Look at the person next to you or across from you.
This person probably dislikes the thought of snow and it's coming.
Look now, see her/him smiling awkwardly as you gaze.
For me, she has clear skin, hazel eyes, and dirty blonde hair.
Her attention is on something else.
She has her own thoughts on snow and it forms and how it's made.
But really I only see her as a flower that doesn't want to be covered by anything.
What are her real thoughts?

10.18.17

Trying again is going to be hard, but as of now, I don't want to be with anyone. But at the same time, I'm partly lying. My heart is damaged but I could find someone to fix it. Is that going to be easy? No, absolutely not.
   I've been procrastinating on my life, I really need to put more hours in and make more money. At the same time, I want to be lazy, lay in bed and not move. Sounds like my depression is getting the best of me again. I should be excited to have a job because some people don't have one. In this moment in time I want to improve myself, but now I can't because I feel like I have chains holding on to me.
  Religious wise, I think I need more to pull me back in. I like the idea of something existing, but I don't know about it. I think the grog of life has affected my sense of rationality. I really need a better influence. In this case, I'm sitting on my behind, and someone needs to pull me back up. I need to be more educated.
  I feel the strength weakening in me and for now, it's steady. But how do I get back on my feet? I don't like to rely on anyone, I want to be my own hero. Because the experience I gain from that will help guide me in the future to help others. It's not bad to rely on people, no. But I like to have the experience for myself. I just want to hide for a little while. Or at least have life slow down a bit.

5:09PM
I am sitting at the church in silence, it helps me actually think before everyone starts coming in and making noise. Noise being their voices, a bit harsh, but I never get silence. Especially to myself, because at home there is never silence unless everyone is gone. I guess I'm going out with a friend of mine tonight after. I really don't want anyone else but him to go. I just want a calming, decently quiet place to relax. Nothing more relaxing than piano music and a cold drink.

Mental Health: Day Two

9:07am, September 20th, 2017

I have decided that something more bold would help my drowsiness this morning.
I slept decently last night. I didn't have any dreams that I remember, considering I took 15mg of Melotonin to help me sleep. I kind of had a long depression nap yesterday that lasted a good six or so hours. The only reason why I got up yesterday was because I had a nightmare. It was really traumatic, I don't know why these nightmares keep happening. It's probably because of stress, but goodness the vividness needs to stop. Yesterday was the third time in three weeks. Why does this keep happening? 

5:28pm
I am currently sitting next to my youth minister, he is practicing tonight's music and for some reason the atmosphere seems to be really heavy. Tonight feels like something is going to happen, something I don't know.

9:06pm
Being home seems to make me more anxious than anything else in the world. When I was in car I had a rant/conversation with my friend Travis. He listened and didn't give much back to me. But what is he supposed to say? He can't give me much, considering he hasn't been through the same thing. But again, I feel so vulnerable and sad. 

An imagined argument

"Tell me something!"
"What?! What do you want from me?"
"Answers! Why have you been ignoring me?"
He looks down at the floor bottling all his emotions into something, something that could potentially crush her in every way possible.
She persists. "Tell me!"
Something in him snaps and he lets go of all of his self-control.
"You want to know why I've been ignoring you?"
She nods in annoyance.
"Because I don't love you."
Her face faintly turns red and she could feel everything inside her break. Remembering all the things he said to her. All the pretty words and compliments he would give her were just lies.
"This whole time I didn't want to be with you! I've been talking to my ex this whole time and yes I lied to you about it."
In this moment she felt her face become warm and she couldn't believe she had been hearing.
"I didn't want to tell you shit because I don't love you! I never did! You were just another person to the list."
She felt rage build inside of her and the only thing she could bring herself to do was swing her right hand to his right cheek, hard. Leaving a mark not only on his face but on his ego.
She gets closer to him, talking slowly in such a tone that could only be described as controlled anger.
"You listen to me and listen good. Because I'm only saying this once."
Her face was warm but beaming with extreme aggravation. Her words came out with a serious tone.
"I am NOT a toy that you can pick up and throw down whenever you want. And if you think you can come back when you feel that I am vulnerable enough to come crawling. Think again, because I am stronger than you may think. Unfortunately, I can't say the same to the next girl because you like them vulnerable."
He shifts while backing away and she gains more of her control.
"I was there for you when you needed someone, dealing with your so-called "anxiety". What an act."
She spits at the air.
 "I think the one who needs help here is you, popping pills and getting off on the stupidest shit! You need dignity and a different view on life. Because you won't get nowhere on how you're going. And trust me I'm sure in the hell not going to be here for you when you fall. You betrayed me and there is no coming back from that."
She took a breath and all he could do in this moment is stand there silently with mixed emotions.
She stepped back to begin to walk away. "Don't ever contact me again."
She walks away silently while he watches her go.

10.15.17

One thing is for sure if I don't stop beating myself up over a guy I barely knew hurting me badly. I would never get out of this rut I'm in. It was time for some changes for the better. Especially working on my happiness and what I want to do. Sitting in silence, for the most part, is not going to help anything. I need to figure out what's wrong and fix it for myself. I know I have a lot of baggage when it comes to relationships. But at least I'm not a horrible person who leads on the person they were interested in and leaves them hanging without being honest about the situation. Still, I'm going to try my best to be positive and make some important decisions in my life. I can't have a reoccurring incident slow me down from achieving what I want in life.

MixtureOfHerLife

Emotions:

I feel like I am falling apart.

 But yet what is there to worry about? What is there to be sad about?

I'm lonely and I really want to be with him, All the prayers lead me to him and I don;t know if I want to act on it. 

He's everything in the standards that I would like to have in a potential spouse,

I'm annoyed at the fact that they're so lovely dovey and it makes me feel unwell.
There is some much going on and I can't seem to find myself.
I think I'm going to be sick, who am I?
Oh God, I'm finally eighteen and I don't know who I am.
My job is fine, but I am now compromised.
It made me feel something beyond the norm.
What happened in the past year in and a half that caused me to be so different?
A feeling so odd it sends signals all over my body and I'm bounded by numbness.
I don't want to feel numb anymore, but I don't want to feel the pain that hovers over my existence.
It lingers in my aura and it causes my cover to be blown.
For some reason I just want to feel that there is something burning in a man's heart for me.
Maybe a miniature flame and my words are the fuel.
But his heart is broken, he is off in his "funk."
Let me be a conqueror queen.
Breaking down the walls of the insecurities.
But this isn't important.
Contradiction is all over the place.
When he is ready, will I be?

Puzzle piece

You ever sit in a open aired room, staring intensely with concentration at a piece trying to figure out where it goes. Voices telling you that this piece should go here and there. But now where do you go from here? You have a piece that sticks out very nicely, and it appeals to you like a diamond in a rhinestone. You're confused on if you really need this piece considering, it is so different from the rest. Studying the outline and how it would look to be placed in a certain place. But then it's time to get up and go to sleep, you're deprived from thinking so much of this piece. This puzzle wore your mind out. You think of how sketchy this piece is and why it was in the box in the first place. But you brush the thought off, nothing less expected, you still think about it. Then when you get back to the puzzle to finish, the piece denigrates before your eyes. Ashes are surrounding your senses, confusion, frustration, and sadness, roam your mind. You wonder what happened, but all you could think of is desperation.