A letter for T

Dear T,
I want this letter to appeal to you in a way that only I can really explain in my writing. There are many things I want to tell you and it's really hard to express myself when I am face to face with another person. Emotions don't really come out right unless of course, they're crazy ones and I'm visibly upset. That's one of the reasons why I am writing this to you. You for some reason have stuck around for a couple years and you haven't really left pursue. But you have stopped talking to me for a couple times and I have done the same. Because honestly I am a mess and I'm very glad you've been here for me since. You're the only friend that has stuck around for me. We really don't have to show any effort towards each other when we hang out at school or after church. To me, I just feel like time has gone by so fast. I mean look at us, seniors in high school, I'm coming up on my last semester and you're one semester in. For some reason I can actually talk to in in person when we have our night talks in your car, sometimes I repeat myself. I can't really tell you what's wrong, all I need is reassurance that everything will be okay. (That's a tip for you.) I honestly value our friendship and all the time we get to hang out together. You've said before that you enjoyed hearing that. You know the reason for why I like hanging out with you and you enjoy that answer as well. I just really appreciate you being in my life and helping me with everything. I want this friendship to last, for some reason this is the only real one I have as of now. I also want you to know if you need anything, just let me know, I am here for you whenever you need me. These last couple years have been hell for me, none of it was your fault. The timing was horrible and problems were rising for me when I had that break from you. I had to find time for me, but at the time all I found was nothing, I was lonely watching you and your friends talk. But something inside kept telling me to stay away, don't ask. Because honestly, I have no idea. This letter is to basically let you know how important to me, I just wanted you to know. Considering I'm dealing with fall out from everything happening right now. Yes, I can be vague about it, because you already know what I am talking about. But yeah, here you go.

Time

I haven't realized how fast time has been going in the past couple months, it has been crazy trying to figure everything out before I head off to the alternative prison for four years. But in this class, it irritates me how slow it goes by and I don't like being bored all the time. Honestly, that has been my life for a couple months now. Oh, I see. I see why it has been flying, I literally took drugs to mask my pain because of the recent breakup. I should know better, but it helped me cope. But now I have to figure out to get my life back on track. Nothing is really out of place as of now. I also have noticed my writing is all over the place, but that's okay. I have the support group of many, I really don't like going to people with my issues. I always get upset when they judge my decisions. I guarantee they're people who do much worse than me, especially to cope with issues. I really want to meet Post Malone in the future, I really enjoy his music. There is a guy in my class right now that looks at me a lot. I think it's flattering, or is it weird?

Coming undone

I have quit completely, I ended it yesterday at 4pm. I hope I can keep myself together during this time. I really need all the support I can right now, because I know the side affects are going to cause a major conflict with my life and social skills. I am okay as of right now, feeling icky. I was kind of restless last night. I kept waking up uncomfortable and would shift during the night. I don't know why it's causing such an issue. I didn't know that was a piece of the aftermath, I was taking it for a couple months, so it makes sense. I didn't realize how long I've been doing it. Good thing I didn't get caught this time. I'm not going to take it again, unless I really need a coping mechanism and even then that won't even be a real thought until I get through these three months. I would really enjoy the company of my good friend, T. Hopefully he and I can hang out after school today. It's going to be a long day until 4pm. I tell ya, being at home is the most boring thing, there isn't really much to do. Well, to my mother there is. You know moms and their cleaning habits. Even then I will probably do the same when I get older. But I will make sure my child is older than eighteen when I'm in my forties.

Mental Health: Day Fourteen

I am having a very good day and I am quitting my meds on the 1st. I am a goober, I knew December would be a good month to stop. Who am I to be critical of myself. I am very sad because of the recent conversation with my best friend, he made it clear I should have stopped today. But I have issues that need balanced. I feel sorry for my mother, she is getting older and I am the youngest child. Out of two adults, I am a baby. She doesn't want me to go off to college, I wanted to stay home and play video games with friends. But the friends I used to play with, just don't talk to me anymore. I have a couple friends. These friends make me tired, the other ones didn't. I want to make sure that something comes of this. Maybe writing will be the new coping mechanism. Let's hope the 1st works.

Mental Health: Day Twelve

I have found when I don't have something to distract my mind, my body feels so sick. But I'll have to deal with it in an about a week. Whenever it's done, I'm done. No more. I have said this over the past couple weeks, I don't realize how much there was. This is it. I am done with this set. I don't want this constant sickness and effort that I have to put into it. I was nervous this morning, my legs were shaking. I am okay, I am really wanting to go somewhere.
_________________________________________________________________________________


That was a lie on the next set, my depression was coming back and I didn't want to stop. I feel like when I stop I might lose a lot of weight. Because in a sense, the only reason why I eat so much is because of my medicine. The doctor was empathetic when I came to talk.

Mental Health Day: Thirteen

I don't really don't understand many things in life and that's okay. Because the answer to everything is lying within us. We have the power to be ourselves and strive for more in a dangerous world. I have the strength to do anything I set my mind to, but alas I am stuck behind a wall of fear. Lying everything that could damage every single piece of confidence that held me to stand up and be who I am. Expressing who Id like to be. 

Mental Health: Day Ten

10:00AM

There is conflict in the atmosphere, where a writer is having trouble getting ideas.
Two guys who are excellent writers are stuck in a rut, looking for something new.
I can't really help them in the process of coming up with something because when I write I usually take it from my point of view.

I feel like everything is slow, but I rather it be slow than tiring. Sitting in class with a light head is kind of difficult. I can't really explain how I feel

Mental Health: Day Eleven

Something is in the water and it's waiting for me to pick it up and show it off.
But I won't push and I will not be a stand-out. There are many things that are for certain, I am underappreciated by people who are supposed to be a crutch for life and it's depressing. I would like to have Bradon here to be by side. I am bored with the slow education standards. Highly slow and more time to procrastinate. I also feel like a teacher showed only teach two classes. One of my teachers has four classes to teach. I can understand why you're so overwhelmed with all the paperwork. But you chose this and they gave it to you. Try not to get into this 'four classes' next year, your daughter needs her father.
Growing up I am realizing that teachers do work hard, miss their families during the day, and dread getting up for work. I feel the same way when I leave for work. By the end of the night, I am so tired and drained I want to crash. When I get home, I have energy again and I just want to take my dog for a walk. Coming home from the walk, I unhook Harley and go to my room. I don't want to be out and about anymore. It's so tiring being around my family, generally, it tires me to be around people altogether. Being an introvert is great. For some reason when I wake up or after my medicine dies down I want to vomit. I spit up quite a bit this morning, I'm not a baby.
I'll be okay, I need to cut down soon.

Perception

For some people, they get up in the morning and are ready for the day.
Me I open my eyes for a couple seconds savoring the minute before everything of the day piles on my brain. Causing stress that is completely unnecessary and unneeded.

For some people, they don't think about the accurate, detailed, next thing they're doing.
Me I looked every single detail down to the threading of my pants. But sometimes it's hard not to think about the dust and dog hair stuck to them.

For some people, a system of organization in their room is not as important.
Me I have a place for every single thing that is visible to the human eye. I have a whiteboard with daily things I have to do.

For some people, the same old thing is boring and mixes their schedules to make their life more exciting.
Me I do the same thing. Every. Single. Day. I don't change it up. Why? It makes me feel like I am a person with a direct approach on how the world is going. A steady pace is everything to me.

For some people, they can lay around and do absolutely nothing.
Me I have to be doing something, I have to be moving, something keeping my attention. Being relaxed is something unreal and it usually doesn't happen.

For some people, they can lay down, laying their head on a pillow and fall asleep.
Me I have to take 15mg of Melatonin just to even think about sleeping.

I have a very complex mindset that doesn't shut down and I can't help to feel helpless to my own demise. I really hope the upcoming serious of events are life changing and help me on the way to success in the future of being a writer.