Quest

The hours burn marks into her brain like cigarettes on the skin, she could feel every single second as it goes. 

Burning in her heart

Like a shot of straight patron

Now she is gone

Where did she go?

Oh right, right in her feelings

Fighting and contemplating her moves 

"This really blows."

Faster she wants to feel something other than the norm

Another shot we go.

A burn in the throat

Not wanting to feel cold 

Close the door and talk

Even though speaking is a sin

Words rawer when the chemicals sit

Where has she been?

Passed out on the bedroom floor.

Feeling like something inside has bent.

Almost forgotten

I am so tired of people acting like I can do more than I actually can.

 I am not a superhero.

 I make mistakes and push people away.

 But in those times that doesn't mean give up on me.

 I try so hard to be a good person, the people around me affect that sincerely.

 This is why I am depressed, blame me for being me, but you are the privileged one.

The girl with the Italian accent

  I was in high school at the time, in a writing class that was the first to last step of the course. It was called Creative Writing. There was one more class after this one called Advanced Creative Writing and the class there were so many assignments. One day I started noticing this one girl who sat away from others, even when the tables were placed in a U formation. She'd pull one of the desks away from the rest and sit away from everyone and have some space to plug in her technology. She would always do her work and turn it in. I wasn't one of those people to deliberately watch over someone, I didn't even know her. The one thing I did remember from those two years of classes, is that she never spoke out loud.
  I was working one day at the convenience store and I was having another long day as usual and saw her come in. She was wearing black leggings, a cream tank top, and a light jacket tied around her waist.

me to myself

If I were to be sitting right in front of myself
At a dark brown pine table, in a sturdy wooden chair
She has her hair tied up, with no expression

I would look myself in the face and fold my hands, sighing
Looking down, shaking my head with disappointment
"Why are you so destructive to yourself?"
Her face weary and as she licks her dry lips

Putting out that cigarette. she does.

"I'm looking for answers."

Not the way I want, so she cries.

Anxious and mental

If I breathe weird, am I alright?

Something there and here

Eyes go back

Cure me before the world smashes me

I can't breath

Suffocate

On the floor, I cry

Over breathing, almost see black

Tears like a river down my face

Really like a deathrace, my mind

So much right here, I can't handle

"Are you okay?"

You look pale

Demons running round in my mind

They're trying to kill me

Broke me, cut me, punched me, bullied me with your words.

Manipulation

"They're not gonna stay, you reached a DEAD end"

Find me there, shaking like I froze

I have

Sitting in my sins once again

Why can't I act right?

"Don't hurt me."

Flinch and be scared

Sorry the world hurt me

I sometimes can't fix what they broke darling

Bleeding in my heart

Like someone broke all of me like glass

Nothing happened

Sad and mental

Run away 

find a way

overcome the pain

Can't seem to run away of once made

me whole

Heart broke

"You wanna smoke?"

Send me astray and hear my heartbreak

Not good

Trying to kill the demons instead of myself

Wishing on you I could

Hear me scream and you'll blood will run cold

Only so much I can take

Breaking is constant

Don't leave, because my breath is slower

Time

Running out of

Could you save me from the well

Drowning

in my own tears

Let me tell you my fears

Been running with stitches that have run cold

Hold me

Love me

I'm sorry

Angry and mental

My anger

fire red

you dare to talk

I don't wanna speak

not pretty words I'll say

Spray the unintended words into your head

I don't mean it I swear

But I want silence

Screaming into my hands

Sending waves on both sides of my mind

I'm fine, I'm fine (I can't do this, I can't do this)

what a wonderful lie

Don't you think doll?

Feels like a hangover 

never-ending

I want the sun back

But the ring of my sins in my ears

breaks my soul and burn my tears down my face

I can't stand anything pending

feels like an incompetent race for survival 

one or the other speaks to me

one overpowers the other

calm down or stand ground

fight or flight

mostly fight

I don't mean it 

I promise

Living

I just want to be in peace, but all I get is the nerve of everyone around me. I only want to be in the quiet, but not alone in an eery way. I would be most comfortable if he would be with me in another home. Holding me at night. I hate living next to someone who doesn't know self-control, controlling greed, and being bossy. I need to enough to escape once more, but for me. For good. I need that license, car, bills paid off... Stupid wallet. Sleep now and another day comes and goes in my normal life.

Thinking

I sit and think where the road will lead me.
Pondering on the current and despising the past.
Trying to move forward with I think is right.
Beginning where I first saw the doors.
Trying to unlock them with the things that go on.
Understanding why things are the way they are.
I can constantly try to make things better for myself.
When the days seem dark and things seem to turn.
I can't help but react anymore.
Wondering what is going on inside.
Unidentified anger, sadness, or being too much.
Feeling normal is what I crave.
The road only gets longer from here.
But the destinations are calling my name.
Hello and Goodbye.
Here I am again.

Welcoming

Be here dear, summer is coming.
Nature to see, but toxic to breathe.
Unfortunately.
I wish the stars would round more.
For the moon makes me smile more.
Take me back to the days.
Try not to overthink.
The ones where the skies were beautiful in the day.
Smiling, jumping.
Bring peace again.
For the days feel so slow.
I welcome the joy and warmth.
Art I the one shalt not weary away?

sleeping on the edge

Walking round trying to breath, but the air isn't even breathing
Tell me where you been, sitting on that side street
Smoke between your lips, I see your secrets
Don't have to speak, I can burn your words
So, you see what you do to me
Smell covered smoke, trying to prove to me
That you can find in the shade
Covering from the light
Sleeping on the edge
Where my feet dangle and I can't help the times
Burn everything to the ground and I still wouldn't feel it
You got me intoxicated on the way you speak

This day

The day meets the end.
But tomorrow is another beginning.
Letters for you, for I can't seem to speak.
Matched again with demons again.
Trust me, help is there.
I can't understand the road.
Where I go.
But, you know, life goes the way it will.
Aspiring to be more than I think.
Goals and dreams I seek.
For the body I carry.
It seems to deplete slowly.
I pray I stand before centuries.
Trying to find peace in my loud mind.
Talk and talk to me.
This day will be remembered. 

All the time lost

Arguing and silence.
Endless wars in our head,
don't seem to end.
Hate those days.
War inside heads.
Beginning and end,
forever friend.
Standing there by the creek,
we looked.
Moments treasured.
Understand this world is no great land,
Messier in numbers by the day.
The end is not near.
For here we sit,
hot by the rock bed.
Sunbeam, on my black pants.
Still never forget.

Day Day Day

I am so incredibly tired of being treated like a doormat every single day. I literally cannot stand being the person people walk away from like nothing. When the reason I act the way I do is because of how I am being treated. You treat me well, I work at my best. You treat me like I am just a piece of trash on the floor, my mental health deteriorates and the best becomes less than the best. Because my brain can only take so much before it is tired. I generally need a break from everyone including the people I love. They are driving me insane to the point where the norm, is no longer the norm. I am becoming more sick in the head day by day. Trying to clean up my act and getting literally no help. The same people who act like they want to be there and be your friend are the same people that will literally watch you fall when they stomp you down. Do you not care at all? Do you not care that you make me want to end everything because of your selfishness?
Gonna lose friends.

Free

Tell me again and again how you don't know what you what to do.

But I am sitting here trying to figure out how to go on. 

I want to go somewhere away from here, but how?

Get rid of all the distractions.
Push these problems aside and find the reality that sits inside.
But more or less it will control to portray something we are.
Something we have been set on in these times.
I can't see my future without your love.
You know now and the truth and trust will set us free.
I want to see the light in us both.
I don't want to continue to bleed.
I want to love you freely.

Feeling again and again

In the unknown, I wander through the unimaginable. Feeling the poison coursing through my veins, like needles stabbing in the skin.  Forcing the unbelievable thoughts into an unseen jar inside my mind. Waiting so eagerly to shatter and send me into mental anguish. Immense and ever so cold adaptions that could be ignored. Every day can seem so bright, but the light only drowns out only so much of the ugly that roams. That continues to run through the mouths and noses of those who are unfortunate. Something that once so amazing and filled with joy could turn so dark once again in history. 

Needless to say that most of what we see now, is just cover for something far more deadly and dangerous, then anyone could ever imagine.

But again, to me. I feel like something inside is wrong and there is nothing I can do. But wallow in myself and keep on poisoning. Moment by moment running through my veins. My brain to shortly not understand. Trying to stay sharp, but at this time in the world. That's not as easy to come by.  I want to survive to see more in this life. Something is coursing and it's not normal. Everyone has become acting differently than they usually do. I am in hell, dealing with the constant thought of feeling like a burden for everyone I met. I just want to feel normal again. 

"Vacation"

I am in the midst of a pandemic and everything is losing control. In the sense, most of my peers have also lost their sense of empathy. I also have begun some unusual mood swings, becoming more irritable to situations that wouldn't usually impact me. Sometimes what I feel to some people literally go right over their heads. Becoming a blatant problem and causing controversial situations. I honestly am so tired of being the target in any context. I have a friend who sees right through it all. She knows it all some elaborate issue that is brewing. Recently it feels like what I say always comes back to bite me. Nothing can be kept, people who were once trusted are no longer granted that completely anymore. Done nothing but treat me like a piece of trash and toss me aside. For them to literally laugh or simply get mad over the things I do, that I have always done. Some excuse to be mad. Do people like the rise of people getting angry with their ignorance?
  I have been on the run again, trying to find some answers in the things that I have been feeling. How to beat the vicious vices that have could potentially hurt me in the long run. Sometimes I feel like certain parts of my body just want to shut down. The feelings I get in my own body, worry me. I don't have the time or the money to really go get checked for things that don't matter in this pandemic. I honestly feel trapped, not only in my own life. I need the person who has been treating me like a second, but he's my best friend. Being treated like the person who always causes the problem, even though the obvious is right there.
  Given a choice to take a week off from the hell outside, to stay in and stay secluded. Mad? Not at all. I honestly need a break, before I collapse in all contexts.
  Can I just find my peace? The health I desire? Maybe.

I don't want

I don't want to feel hopeless
I don't want to feel angry
I don't want to feel like nothing is alright
I don't want to feel this anxiety
I don't want my happiness to end
I don't want to see my mama cry
I don't want to light in my eyes die
I don't want to see anyone leave
I don't want to lose him again
I don't want to feel small
I don't want to feel like I do everything wrong
I don't want to feel like I rely on someone else
I don't want to confuse my path
I don't want to be sad
I don't want to cry at bad times
I don't want to be emotional
I don't want people I love to die
I don't want to feel controlled by the stars
I don't want people to become addicted
I don't want to start things I can't finish
I don't want to feel impulsive for what I want
I don't want to be clingy
I don't want to fail anymore
I don't want my heart to break again

Depression visit

I sit now in front of a screen I haven't seen in a while.
I have those feelings again, of not feeling good enough.
Even though I know most of the things I see that goes wrong in my life, it is not my fault.
But in some weird way connected to my depression, I feel it is my fault.
We're human and we can feel these things.
The feelings shouldn't linger throughout the day and make me want to not do anything
I have to force myself to do the things I like to do
What is wrong with me?

Bleed

I bleed every day
Putting myself out there every day
Like a boxing ring
I don't want anything to sting
But I still feel the pain
I can't find the answers in the sand
But I simply can't keep doing this.
I am holding myself back.
Back from could be.
Is this me?
I want to find peace in life unknown.
Prone to the shame and the blame game
So I am definitely not the same
I am so tired of being the person I didn't want.
I want more out of life.
Should I feel ashamed or maybe selfish?
I feel the wounds in my heart open again
Salt, rub it in and let it hurt.
Because maybe it can work.
Find the beginning and try to make the end.
There is a light somewhere, but somewhere is not here.
I need more, to find more, to see more.
To actually feel more.
I feel so lonely and so alone.
Because anyone else doesn't seem to care.
I don't feel like myself.

If there is a wound, I need to patch it.

Try again

Here are more lies, than lies can be understood.
I feel the cage and the chains around my wrists.
But I can't resist.
I want to feel pure again
But there is no time, no time but forward.
I am becoming sicker by the day
Putting the chemicals in my brain
Feeling insane, I am to be blamed.
I did nothing wrong, but not stop something.
I should have never let the beginning end.
Starting over, slow and easy.
The world is what I want, especially the loving title.
I want the ring and love.
I don't want the blood to run cold.
But the paths are freezing
Not stone just ice.
I need to feel the warmth in my heart.
I don't want to fall apart.
I did not realize that the light in my heart could go out again.
It did, but it can be fixed.
Trust, to be regained.
Try this again.

A single word

Love

Sitting by the water, sand like a bed, fresh rings, hand in hand.
"Can you believe it?"
"No, I can't."

Here I am stuck in a fantasy, stuck in another reality.
I feel accepted.
Wanting to be somebody, somebody who cares.
More than the average.
"I'll take your hand and kiss it for the rest of our lives."

Be ready when your heart decides a beat is not enough for the moment, complete.
Don't cry and be wise.
Be you, be me.
Overtime in a bed next to me
I wouldn't miss a moment

But I have to feel complete.

Bells

I wake up each day the same way
Tired
I have no motivation outside my keep
But sometimes there is something waiting for me
I want to feel like I used to
But my heart is fried
I can't get my mind back into the way it was
Is that a good thing?
Did I mature?
Maybe I needed to understand
That when I become something I hate
I can't just run to my safe space
It is definitely not healthy
If anything it might kill me faster in the end
I want to be hopeful for the things I want
But I need to know that what I want is going to be established
Feeling that something will come out of nothing
Ash into gold
Bells.