I sit here in silence
Nothing more than the white noise
That always seems to soothe me
Thinking back on the days where I would sit and type away
My thoughts and the stories that would come to life
Wanting to make more of them
But not knowing where to start
Writing is more than just a part of me
More of a free therapy
Lord knows I need
Knowing more of a matter of anyone else understanding how I am
Is not existent
But he does know
You say it's possible if one knows that more can too
Yes, and then no
Because they don't know all of what I have been through
Not even me
There are memories that have faded to black that I can still feel the pain from
That's the thing though
They're there, but I choose to not to remember them anymore
Monday, December 17, 2018
Tuesday, December 4, 2018
Forever now
Taking in the world
One tragedy after another
There is another world for the unholy
Where their worst hell repeats over and over
For some living is their worst hell
But when you find someone who makes hell more livable
Then forever doesn't seem so bad
Breathe
breathing is all you can do
to make someone feel so much better
To make them feel like the world is good
Finding someone who makes living easier
There is a certain kind of hell
A hell in which the world seems horid
One tragedy after another
There is another world for the unholy
Where their worst hell repeats over and over
For some living is their worst hell
But when you find someone who makes hell more livable
Then forever doesn't seem so bad
Breathe
breathing is all you can do
to make someone feel so much better
To make them feel like the world is good
Finding someone who makes living easier
There is a certain kind of hell
A hell in which the world seems horid
Monday, November 26, 2018
Day one
Whereas a world seemed so bad
Coming to terms with the reality
No matter how the time plays
I will always be so glad
That I have the world
Intertwined in my hand
Happiness here with me
I have my peace in my heart
Where he sits and makes his mark
Smiling and kissing my cheek
His outstanding presence
He makes me feel like the weights don't exist
Holding me down making me resist
He removes my stress with just a kiss
This is where my world is
With such soft and sweet bliss
Coming to terms with the reality
No matter how the time plays
I will always be so glad
That I have the world
Intertwined in my hand
Happiness here with me
I have my peace in my heart
Where he sits and makes his mark
Smiling and kissing my cheek
His outstanding presence
He makes me feel like the weights don't exist
Holding me down making me resist
He removes my stress with just a kiss
This is where my world is
With such soft and sweet bliss
Sleep
Lay in the softness
Breathing becoming lighter
Forgetting the bad
Remembering the good
Resting the thoughts
Some lie awake
Thinking more
Some don't rest at all
Some just waiting to fall
The world reserved consciously in the mind
Once the brain shuts off in one area
Another wakes
Awaits a world no one else can see
Where you can roam so freely
Am I asleep or am I at peace?
It could seem frightening or it can seem so sweet
But that's where you'll find me
Here in the world of your making
Dreaming never seemed so lovely
Somethings are waiting
But this is your world
A white dress
Smile plastered and true across my face
Eyes shining for the arrival
I see you there
Smiling so sweetly
Come and take me by my hand
While the wind gently greets me
Time stops with you
Caught in those ocean eyes
Here where the love is mine
Breathing becoming lighter
Forgetting the bad
Remembering the good
Resting the thoughts
Some lie awake
Thinking more
Some don't rest at all
Some just waiting to fall
The world reserved consciously in the mind
Once the brain shuts off in one area
Another wakes
Awaits a world no one else can see
Where you can roam so freely
Am I asleep or am I at peace?
It could seem frightening or it can seem so sweet
But that's where you'll find me
Here in the world of your making
Dreaming never seemed so lovely
Somethings are waiting
But this is your world
A white dress
Smile plastered and true across my face
Eyes shining for the arrival
I see you there
Smiling so sweetly
Come and take me by my hand
While the wind gently greets me
Time stops with you
Caught in those ocean eyes
Here where the love is mine
The tree
Warm spring day
Sitting on the dark colored grass
Up against life
Soft touch and soothing sun
Light colored life stood above
Breathing never felt so nice
Peace it brought
Here by the tree
Thought not there
Rough touch and zig zag lines
Shows life divine
Whereas the worlds seem so small
Rather be here than there
Branches like arms
Bringing in the love
Earth can be so pretty
Relaxing here by the tree
Leaves like kisses to the ground
Growing for the area
Life inside the tree
Chirping heavenly and sweet
Hearing the sound of movement above
Watching the squirrels play and jump
Here by the tree
Beauty much more than most can see
Life never felt so at peace
Sitting on the dark colored grass
Up against life
Soft touch and soothing sun
Light colored life stood above
Breathing never felt so nice
Peace it brought
Here by the tree
Thought not there
Rough touch and zig zag lines
Shows life divine
Whereas the worlds seem so small
Rather be here than there
Branches like arms
Bringing in the love
Earth can be so pretty
Relaxing here by the tree
Leaves like kisses to the ground
Growing for the area
Life inside the tree
Chirping heavenly and sweet
Hearing the sound of movement above
Watching the squirrels play and jump
Here by the tree
Beauty much more than most can see
Life never felt so at peace
Sunday, October 7, 2018
Tainted
There is a boy I know who has a beautiful soul. He is the far most outstanding person to have ever walk this dreaded Earth. But the unfortunate part is the universe broke him before I could get to him.
When this boy came into my life I didn't know what to expect, but something inside me had clicked when I saw his face. I knew somewhere inside me that my heart was going to start beating again. Though I didn't know what those feelings were set to be. Because my heart was damaged to the point that I didn't know what real love felt like. Then the words "I love you." That came from his lips, actually started the fire in my heart that I never knew I had. Like a match to a gas tank, in the wreckage, that's where my love began.
Time in his words has no change, but little does he know the world will soon reverse in his favor. I know deep inside of me that things will become better for him soon. For a boy with a tainted and broken soul, I will forever love him. I wish I had met him when he was younger because then I would have saved him some pain. I, of course, couldn't save him from the ignorance of others. But I tell you, I swear I would have tried. In his younger days, he has seen pain and things no one else should have seen. Pain that no one should ever feel, losses that no one at one time should go through. In these days though, all I can do is prove the love that I swore to him that I have. To prove that I will never leave him. I am never going to do anything to destroy the perfect love we have. I will care for his heart for the rest of my days. Past experiences and current epidemics have caused him to always feel something negative. I always try to make him feel better by proving to him that I am always here for him. He is never alone and that some of the things that he feels, I have felt the same.
I can say so much in words the feelings I have for him, but of course, I have forever to prove it to him. I sometimes get tongue-tied when all the words I say just repeat. But my boy knows my love is true. We have our times in which we disagree and bicker. I wouldn't have it any other way. I, myself, am learning how to comply with the person I love feelings and what to do. I, of course, am not perfect and do my best to help and follow by them. Sometimes I need help and more understanding of how to back off and see. I can admit sometimes I think too much and I know I overreact to small things. But that's just a piece of my damage from the past. It is getting better knowing I know he'll never leave me. I always tell my anxiety that and in doing so is like holding me when I am in a panic.
I have my scars on my heart, as does he and I will always put his feelings into consideration. I will never make him feel small and hurt in any way. He simply does not deserve that. He deserves love and everything in between. I wish nothing but positivity and peace to him all the time. Knowing his mind is always at war. I know the days where your mind and heart simply will not settle. It's agonizing and traumatizing. I always wish to be there with him when he has these days. To hold him and tell him everything will be okay. I can say that over and over, but having him in my arms in silence will just as well. I couldn't more lucky to have this boy as mine, even though sometimes he doesn't believe the words I say. I will forever be here to hold him as he cries. I have bled my heart out to him in his arms and I couldn't feel safer. He is my safe haven and the reason for my strength.
This boy that I speak of will forever own my heart and will continue to have my everything. I am strong for him and I want to be the reason that he smiles. He melts my heart when he turns his head and says I'm cute when I do something silly. He makes my chest warms by just looking at him. I never met such a beautiful soul in my existence and I will never take his perfection for granted. I believe that this boy has saved me from myself and has helped me find the best in myself. I am just so in love with him that I could do many things. He inspires me to be better and to be strong. All that I can pray is that I can do all the same for him.
When this boy came into my life I didn't know what to expect, but something inside me had clicked when I saw his face. I knew somewhere inside me that my heart was going to start beating again. Though I didn't know what those feelings were set to be. Because my heart was damaged to the point that I didn't know what real love felt like. Then the words "I love you." That came from his lips, actually started the fire in my heart that I never knew I had. Like a match to a gas tank, in the wreckage, that's where my love began.
Time in his words has no change, but little does he know the world will soon reverse in his favor. I know deep inside of me that things will become better for him soon. For a boy with a tainted and broken soul, I will forever love him. I wish I had met him when he was younger because then I would have saved him some pain. I, of course, couldn't save him from the ignorance of others. But I tell you, I swear I would have tried. In his younger days, he has seen pain and things no one else should have seen. Pain that no one should ever feel, losses that no one at one time should go through. In these days though, all I can do is prove the love that I swore to him that I have. To prove that I will never leave him. I am never going to do anything to destroy the perfect love we have. I will care for his heart for the rest of my days. Past experiences and current epidemics have caused him to always feel something negative. I always try to make him feel better by proving to him that I am always here for him. He is never alone and that some of the things that he feels, I have felt the same.
I can say so much in words the feelings I have for him, but of course, I have forever to prove it to him. I sometimes get tongue-tied when all the words I say just repeat. But my boy knows my love is true. We have our times in which we disagree and bicker. I wouldn't have it any other way. I, myself, am learning how to comply with the person I love feelings and what to do. I, of course, am not perfect and do my best to help and follow by them. Sometimes I need help and more understanding of how to back off and see. I can admit sometimes I think too much and I know I overreact to small things. But that's just a piece of my damage from the past. It is getting better knowing I know he'll never leave me. I always tell my anxiety that and in doing so is like holding me when I am in a panic.
I have my scars on my heart, as does he and I will always put his feelings into consideration. I will never make him feel small and hurt in any way. He simply does not deserve that. He deserves love and everything in between. I wish nothing but positivity and peace to him all the time. Knowing his mind is always at war. I know the days where your mind and heart simply will not settle. It's agonizing and traumatizing. I always wish to be there with him when he has these days. To hold him and tell him everything will be okay. I can say that over and over, but having him in my arms in silence will just as well. I couldn't more lucky to have this boy as mine, even though sometimes he doesn't believe the words I say. I will forever be here to hold him as he cries. I have bled my heart out to him in his arms and I couldn't feel safer. He is my safe haven and the reason for my strength.
This boy that I speak of will forever own my heart and will continue to have my everything. I am strong for him and I want to be the reason that he smiles. He melts my heart when he turns his head and says I'm cute when I do something silly. He makes my chest warms by just looking at him. I never met such a beautiful soul in my existence and I will never take his perfection for granted. I believe that this boy has saved me from myself and has helped me find the best in myself. I am just so in love with him that I could do many things. He inspires me to be better and to be strong. All that I can pray is that I can do all the same for him.
Sunday, September 2, 2018
Sick
Not the same you feel
But the kind you think
Where every day feels like a shit show
But now it's your turn to bow
Putting your head down isn't nothing new
You should be good at it
Sitting in your own pain
Trying to find the reason
To everything going wrong
Trying to fix the wrongs
And mend the right
But who has the good mind
When you're sad all the time
Where everything is a blur and you want to make it right
I guess it's not the time
Someone in the clouds please tells me the time
The time where I won't feel the pain anymore
Sick in the brain
A never-ending game
But the kind you think
Where every day feels like a shit show
But now it's your turn to bow
Putting your head down isn't nothing new
You should be good at it
Sitting in your own pain
Trying to find the reason
To everything going wrong
Trying to fix the wrongs
And mend the right
But who has the good mind
When you're sad all the time
Where everything is a blur and you want to make it right
I guess it's not the time
Someone in the clouds please tells me the time
The time where I won't feel the pain anymore
Sick in the brain
A never-ending game
Closure
Finding the answers to my own questions
But they're misleading
Hope that is misleading
But surely time will treat me
Trying again to look for another day
Without the pain or going insane
The normality I once had and I should have
But when the pain takes over
There is nowhere else to run
But to be hit by your own mistakes
Watching the chaos mix
In the clouds above is there is someone who loves
Please save me from myself
But they're misleading
Hope that is misleading
But surely time will treat me
Trying again to look for another day
Without the pain or going insane
The normality I once had and I should have
But when the pain takes over
There is nowhere else to run
But to be hit by your own mistakes
Watching the chaos mix
In the clouds above is there is someone who loves
Please save me from myself
Falling down
When the wind flows it knocks me down
For my skin is paper and my mind is the pen
Here we are again, trying to escape
You changed the weather and it blew me away
But yet here is my mind
Ask again and again what you can do
But you bring the clouds
Here comes the wind
Mend the pain
Inconsideration is your game
But it's smoked out
Can you breathe on your own?
Or are you gone?
I don't want to feel pain
At the point where the world is turning numb
No return
Find a reason
Find a real friend
For my skin is paper and my mind is the pen
Here we are again, trying to escape
You changed the weather and it blew me away
But yet here is my mind
Ask again and again what you can do
But you bring the clouds
Here comes the wind
Mend the pain
Inconsideration is your game
But it's smoked out
Can you breathe on your own?
Or are you gone?
I don't want to feel pain
At the point where the world is turning numb
No return
Find a reason
Find a real friend
Scream
I don't have the control
Where did my head go?
I am so tired of being controlled
I want my choices back
I want my friends back
It's my fault
I go to be strong and they fell down
They lost all control
They want this even though my friends are trying to pierce
Ask me what's wrong again
When it's you causing it
Where are my friends?
Why am I feeling so damn small?
I am in my own hell
Where nothing seems to make sense
Save me, love,
I want to collapse; fall down
I am tired of this sickness
Where did my head go?
I am so tired of being controlled
I want my choices back
I want my friends back
It's my fault
I go to be strong and they fell down
They lost all control
They want this even though my friends are trying to pierce
Ask me what's wrong again
When it's you causing it
Where are my friends?
Why am I feeling so damn small?
I am in my own hell
Where nothing seems to make sense
Save me, love,
I want to collapse; fall down
I am tired of this sickness
Them
I have come to the point where my space is small
When the smoke finally cleared and I can see now
The only reason why I am held up is because of the ones who picked me up
Now they're stuck
And I'm wrong
I feel small
Not like I have been there before
When the time comes faster I will feel better
Right now who are they?
Inconsiderate of my feelings
But when there is something wrong with them
I understand
But when there is something wrong with me
In one ear out the other
I am not trying to be in control
I just want to be understood
I just want to stop feeling so damn small
When the smoke finally cleared and I can see now
The only reason why I am held up is because of the ones who picked me up
Now they're stuck
And I'm wrong
I feel small
Not like I have been there before
When the time comes faster I will feel better
Right now who are they?
Inconsiderate of my feelings
But when there is something wrong with them
I understand
But when there is something wrong with me
In one ear out the other
I am not trying to be in control
I just want to be understood
I just want to stop feeling so damn small
Monday, August 20, 2018
Blank
Stuck in the same thoughts
Bound and undermined
Time consumed
Moved around
Saw the light
Knew I was doomed
But you know what?
Here's is the reality
Time is pain ridden until healed
Always tell you more
The violence and shots
Blood and the "love"
I can say I am damaged
At my peek, you'll see
What makes me, me
You can't with your eyes closed
A life in a visual behind a screen
Smiling for a picture
Just to be seen a year ago
Wondering "Where'd the time go?"
I don't know
Not letting go
Never
So empty-headed that you can't understand
You're just blank
Bound and undermined
Time consumed
Moved around
Saw the light
Knew I was doomed
But you know what?
Here's is the reality
Time is pain ridden until healed
Always tell you more
The violence and shots
Blood and the "love"
I can say I am damaged
At my peek, you'll see
What makes me, me
You can't with your eyes closed
A life in a visual behind a screen
Smiling for a picture
Just to be seen a year ago
Wondering "Where'd the time go?"
I don't know
Not letting go
Never
So empty-headed that you can't understand
You're just blank
Hate
I did it again
Messed up myself
Scribbled in a mess
I can't take myself sometimes
But this is it
Put time back into place
Fix my reality
Coming to peace with my mind
Having pain tamed
I got to plan again
Time will fix my wounds
No more rain
Bring the breeze
No more clouds
Just the sun
Hold my hand and love me
Heres the moon
Shine.
Messed up myself
Scribbled in a mess
I can't take myself sometimes
But this is it
Put time back into place
Fix my reality
Coming to peace with my mind
Having pain tamed
I got to plan again
Time will fix my wounds
No more rain
Bring the breeze
No more clouds
Just the sun
Hold my hand and love me
Heres the moon
Shine.
Hope for a new day
The days are true as I start again
I am hopeful for a new day
To be refreshed to see another
I found happiness in the dark
Tell me again where to go
For I can make it possible
I am confident for the breeze
To carry away my pain
I don't want to feel like hell
Trying to make future for myself
You can tell me I am doing wrong
But are you in my shoes?
I feel like there is more
You can force me to more
Not a victim to your claims
Starting again
There is where it ends
Habits die and it is no more
My love and success run on these days
I will run when I am needed
Nothing will stop me
From the world that meets me
From day one
I am stronger than what the world may see
If my father were to see me
He would smile
Sending hugs from the unknown
I don't wish to fail
Being strong is my goal
My true potential awaits
Habits die and it is no more
My love and success run on these days
I will run when I am needed
Nothing will stop me
From the world that meets me
From day one
I am stronger than what the world may see
If my father were to see me
He would smile
Sending hugs from the unknown
I don't wish to fail
Being strong is my goal
My true potential awaits
Sunday, August 19, 2018
Underground
I can't
see the end of this tunnel
Dense air where it's hard to breathe
see the end of this tunnel
Dense air where it's hard to breathe
Sometimes thoughts are made into delusions
Then when your anxiety kicks in
The world goes into a place
Where there is nothing but bad news
That shooting
That robbery
That murder
But you know that is not so close
Sending a prayer to their hearts
Knowing the dread
Sometimes thinking about those people who have left.
Not knowing what these feelings are
Trying to keep up with life and it's trials
Giving myself more hope for the days to come
Becuase I know, I know the time is coming for great things
I get so angry for nothing
I can feel the pain going away
He's by my side
Cleaning up my habits
Finding more things to focus on
Goals to achieve
Being knocked down is not an option
Face the problems head on
No more hiding
Saturday, August 18, 2018
Seeing something
I walk in the same path
But I don't have any direction
In the time that I walk through this damned Earth
I have to pick up my feet
Or I will be left behind
Because I know how cold this world is
I have lived on it for many years
Happiness simply does not matter if you do not find it
It hurts to do it all alone
In time someone will be sent
To send your conscious to a new realm
Where it can be freed
Where you can be freed from self-destruction
Find a new meaning in the dark
The dark tries to drag you in
And tell you sweet things
But in order to feel
You must feel pain
Or you will die
But I don't have any direction
In the time that I walk through this damned Earth
I have to pick up my feet
Or I will be left behind
Because I know how cold this world is
I have lived on it for many years
Happiness simply does not matter if you do not find it
It hurts to do it all alone
In time someone will be sent
To send your conscious to a new realm
Where it can be freed
Where you can be freed from self-destruction
Find a new meaning in the dark
The dark tries to drag you in
And tell you sweet things
But in order to feel
You must feel pain
Or you will die
Tuesday, August 7, 2018
Tell me again
Tell me again where it began
Trying to figure out who we are again
Stuck in the same pattern that repeats
But I am distracted by my heartbeat
Am I alive if I'm controlled?
Tell me where to start
I'll try again
It's not that I won't, I can
I can go and become another person of a puppet ridden society
Walk, walk, walk
Do this, do that
I've lost my mind
Did you sense that?
Trying to figure out who we are again
Stuck in the same pattern that repeats
But I am distracted by my heartbeat
Am I alive if I'm controlled?
Tell me where to start
I'll try again
It's not that I won't, I can
I can go and become another person of a puppet ridden society
Walk, walk, walk
Do this, do that
I've lost my mind
Did you sense that?
Saturday, August 4, 2018
Real
I have come from somewhere
Nowhere now
But was something
I had a fun childhood
As an adult, we tend to reflect on childhood days
Now I know what they mean
"Don't grow up too soon."
Even when we think we have everything under control
Always prepare for something else
I miss those days I would look
Look outside those bus windows
Seeing the scenery on the way home
Loud kids, but sometimes I was one of them
The bus driver that was the mayor
Couldn't believe that growing up
I have someone who loves me
A family who is around sometimes
What could a girl want more?
I got my prince charming
Unfortunately, I'm not behind that desk
Teaching about the mind
I don't have to jump immediately
Why can't I take a break?
Nowhere now
But was something
I had a fun childhood
As an adult, we tend to reflect on childhood days
Now I know what they mean
"Don't grow up too soon."
Even when we think we have everything under control
Always prepare for something else
I miss those days I would look
Look outside those bus windows
Seeing the scenery on the way home
Loud kids, but sometimes I was one of them
The bus driver that was the mayor
Couldn't believe that growing up
I have someone who loves me
A family who is around sometimes
What could a girl want more?
I got my prince charming
Unfortunately, I'm not behind that desk
Teaching about the mind
I don't have to jump immediately
Why can't I take a break?
To my future child
August 4, 2018
Dear my love,You may not be born yet, or even really thought of right now. But you will soon be the best thing in our lives. Your father and I are going to love you forever and will do anything for you. No matter what, meaning if you're from another family, ours, or who you decide to be. There are things your father and I will enforce and please only know what we want for you is what's best. Things are going to be different for your father and I in the years you grow up; from when were teenagers. Your father and I will do everything we can to make sure you live better than we did when were kids. We had some pretty bad years and that shaped us as people. We absolutely do not want you to grow up with traumatic experiences as we did. We will help you with anything. Please come to us when you have a problem, feel depressed, had a bad day, etc. We are here for you, even though sometimes it may not seem that way, we are always going to be here for you. I am eighteen right now, dear. I will be nineteen in a few weeks, and I am going to be honest; being new to the world is very hard. Money is tight and I am living with a friend and his family. Your father is at home with his parents for he is not old enough to move out yet. Your grandmother and step-grandfather are working to keep the lights on and to feed me as of late. I am not sure if your step-grandfather will be around when you're born, he has been having a lot of health issues as of late. Your grandmother seems to be doing fine but is taking care of him. You have one great-grandmother that is alive right now, most of your great-grandparents have passed, but do not keep them in vain. They would have loved you the same. You have uncles and aunts waiting to meet you on both your father's and I's side of the family. There are so many people that are ready to meet you. The one person I would've loved for you to meet is your grandfather, John, my father. He died when I was nine sweetheart, he was my everything and when I lost him I thought the whole world was against me. Just know if something were to happen to your father or I we would make sure you were in right hands if it came down to it and that you're taken care of. Because one thing you need to learn when you come to understand life is that you need to expect the unexpected. I have run by this for most of my life and I am strong. I have fallen and felt like the world doesn't want me anymore. Your father and I will do everything in our power to make sure you never feel that way. Because we both know the world and how it treats everyone. Right now in our lives, people are dying for no reason, random fires, robberies, etc. The world is basically falling apart. We will do everything to keep you safe. We love you so very much and forever will. No matter how tough times get. You will always be the one that we center our lives around.
Love your mother,
Jewely
Wednesday, June 13, 2018
Not alone
Sitting in a chair
Click click click
On this keyboard
I feel better once my hands are typing
But what is there to say?
I feel more alive when I'm not watched like a child
I enjoy the independence
But there is something missing
I need him here
I miss his warmth and his smile
I need him most every moment his scent leaves
Tell me something so I don't feel so down
Something like I need a crown for my head
Because I'm your princess
I don't just need your words, my love
Your embrace does wonderfully.
Click click click
On this keyboard
I feel better once my hands are typing
But what is there to say?
I feel more alive when I'm not watched like a child
I enjoy the independence
But there is something missing
I need him here
I miss his warmth and his smile
I need him most every moment his scent leaves
Tell me something so I don't feel so down
Something like I need a crown for my head
Because I'm your princess
I don't just need your words, my love
Your embrace does wonderfully.
Tuesday, June 12, 2018
Him
I have someone to call mine
I couldn't be any happier to have him
I fell for him through a picture on a screen
I just knew I needed him
When we spoke for the first time, there was indeed a connection
A connection that couldn't be broken
Now we feel more at here came the world
You are my everything
"Where have you been all my life?"
I think of our future every day
Who's to say that's wrong?
So soon, or serious?
I love you for more than your pretty words
Your actions show me you would give everything
I trust you with my everything
More importantly, I give you my everything.
I couldn't be any happier to have him
I fell for him through a picture on a screen
I just knew I needed him
When we spoke for the first time, there was indeed a connection
A connection that couldn't be broken
Now we feel more at here came the world
You are my everything
"Where have you been all my life?"
I think of our future every day
Who's to say that's wrong?
So soon, or serious?
I love you for more than your pretty words
Your actions show me you would give everything
I trust you with my everything
More importantly, I give you my everything.
A different veiw
Even though I feel the sun
It still burns and I don't want it
I have someone who is here seeing the view with me
He wants to go away just like me
New places to be and somewhere to love
Feel more at home somewhere new
You always knew you wanted a change
You get what your heart wants
Nothing can really change what you want for yourself
But now is rest and to stand back up
Stand somewhere hand in hand
Come, darling, the world awaits.
It still burns and I don't want it
I have someone who is here seeing the view with me
He wants to go away just like me
New places to be and somewhere to love
Feel more at home somewhere new
You always knew you wanted a change
You get what your heart wants
Nothing can really change what you want for yourself
But now is rest and to stand back up
Stand somewhere hand in hand
Come, darling, the world awaits.
The new
Finding new things to use
To help my mind go places
Somewhere more than just normality
I see all these things popping up for me to click
For I am now an adult
I can't help these emails
All I have to do is unsubscribe
New set up and new areas to study
I think I could get used to this
I enjoy life with water and fire
Hopefully, time will guide me
To help my mind go places
Somewhere more than just normality
I see all these things popping up for me to click
For I am now an adult
I can't help these emails
All I have to do is unsubscribe
New set up and new areas to study
I think I could get used to this
I enjoy life with water and fire
Hopefully, time will guide me
Monday, June 11, 2018
It's okay
You know everything seems bad
All these days could seem so blue
But really think about those good days
What made you happy?
Could it come to you?
Can you look at a picture of it?
I know most of my good days are mostly spent
Mainly looking at my love and me
His love makes me the happiest
So, you see everything is okay
Smile.
All these days could seem so blue
But really think about those good days
What made you happy?
Could it come to you?
Can you look at a picture of it?
I know most of my good days are mostly spent
Mainly looking at my love and me
His love makes me the happiest
So, you see everything is okay
Smile.
Sunday, June 10, 2018
The way is love
Finding something new
In a world that seems to be falling apart by the minute
No one could argue against me that you're the best thing to ever happen to come into my life
We ask each the same question
"Where have you been all my life?"
We've been right there under each other's noses and didn't even know it
I knew I was in love with you
When I saw you in that picture I just wanted to see you immediately
Something clicked inside me
I just didn't understand it at the time
That I soon would be falling in love with you
That you feel safe with me
I also feel safe with you
I couldn't think of a better day than to wake up in your arms
To end safely in your arms again
I want that better day, every day
forever
In a world that seems to be falling apart by the minute
No one could argue against me that you're the best thing to ever happen to come into my life
We ask each the same question
"Where have you been all my life?"
We've been right there under each other's noses and didn't even know it
I knew I was in love with you
When I saw you in that picture I just wanted to see you immediately
Something clicked inside me
I just didn't understand it at the time
That I soon would be falling in love with you
That you feel safe with me
I also feel safe with you
I couldn't think of a better day than to wake up in your arms
To end safely in your arms again
I want that better day, every day
forever
Friday, June 1, 2018
The now
I am trying to get back into the norm, but right now is not the best time to even attempt it. I miss him very much. I really hope I can see him soon, he is the best thing to have ever happened to me. I could write you a whole story on how he makes me so happy. There's nothing more amazing than a man who is always there for you. It's just right now and scheduling is rough. He's been working a lot because he wants to save money for things he has been wanting. He said a long time ago he wanted to get a job and start a life together. I am all for that, he makes me happy every second I see him. When I look at him I can honestly say I have seen the future and it's in him.
Right now, moving into my own place is weird. Spent a bunch of money I just barely have. I'll make it here, I just need to adapt to this life and kick this habit. So much before my next birthday. Why is time going by so fast? I don't get how days are actually flying by and I am left with loneliness. God only knows how much I need Jacob here with me right now. It feels like weeks and yet. I do believe it has been less, I am a complete mess right now. I am still working at my same job and everything is good. I just want to get into management. But for now, I need to start looking out for myself and getting money in. Saving and moving forward. I need to retake my test and try and pass. I know I can do it, I just need to push myself.
Right now, moving into my own place is weird. Spent a bunch of money I just barely have. I'll make it here, I just need to adapt to this life and kick this habit. So much before my next birthday. Why is time going by so fast? I don't get how days are actually flying by and I am left with loneliness. God only knows how much I need Jacob here with me right now. It feels like weeks and yet. I do believe it has been less, I am a complete mess right now. I am still working at my same job and everything is good. I just want to get into management. But for now, I need to start looking out for myself and getting money in. Saving and moving forward. I need to retake my test and try and pass. I know I can do it, I just need to push myself.
Wednesday, May 23, 2018
Paranoid
Sitting here listening to a beat.
Something more than just vivid thoughts.
Consequences roaming but don't really matter.
I can't seem to find a solution.
But yet it still goes.
It'll catch up and I am pretty sure it will be consequential.
At the same time, everything is okay.
I'm struggling to find a real answer.
I am conflicted on what everyone else wants and what I want.
How can you be sure what will happen?
Paranoia is very much related to anxiety and honestly, I never knew I would its ugly side.
My love, that sits at home waiting for next moment that shares us both.
Diligently trying to mask this pain.
Sounding like a mission to beyond the limit.
I can't seem to let it give.
I know it won't cause a scene as long as I don't bleed.
Something more than just vivid thoughts.
Consequences roaming but don't really matter.
I can't seem to find a solution.
But yet it still goes.
It'll catch up and I am pretty sure it will be consequential.
At the same time, everything is okay.
I'm struggling to find a real answer.
I am conflicted on what everyone else wants and what I want.
How can you be sure what will happen?
Paranoia is very much related to anxiety and honestly, I never knew I would its ugly side.
My love, that sits at home waiting for next moment that shares us both.
Diligently trying to mask this pain.
Sounding like a mission to beyond the limit.
I can't seem to let it give.
I know it won't cause a scene as long as I don't bleed.
Wednesday, May 16, 2018
Sad again
Keep your voice down, she doesn't like it.
She found her love in some place that caused her hell.
But to tell something more than a story.
She really doesn't understand how anything works right now.
Right now the days are going by to fast and it's her fault.
She's listening to music to calm the pain
Maybe a heat or two.
She wants him here and there's no way for that.
Creations that she writes can go far.
She doesn't try anymore.
Because she's sad.
She found her love in some place that caused her hell.
But to tell something more than a story.
She really doesn't understand how anything works right now.
Right now the days are going by to fast and it's her fault.
She's listening to music to calm the pain
Maybe a heat or two.
She wants him here and there's no way for that.
Creations that she writes can go far.
She doesn't try anymore.
Because she's sad.
Friday, May 11, 2018
Mind
I hate this conflict, I don't want them to go.
If he goes and something happens, it'll be my fault because I let them go.
"Everyone is a buzz kill."
He says with an irritated sigh.
He thinks that he is okay, but you are not.
I am watching over him like a child, no.
He needs to be careful with his decisions right now.
If he goes and something happens, it'll be my fault because I let them go.
"Everyone is a buzz kill."
He says with an irritated sigh.
He thinks that he is okay, but you are not.
I am watching over him like a child, no.
He needs to be careful with his decisions right now.
Love
I feel this time, I want to be with him
I know there is true love here, I don't want to let him go.
I want him to know I would give him the world.
I don't really know what life has in store
I just want to walk into the future with you, hand in hand.
I don't care what they have to say, I just want you to stay
Forever.
I know there is true love here, I don't want to let him go.
I want him to know I would give him the world.
I don't really know what life has in store
I just want to walk into the future with you, hand in hand.
I don't care what they have to say, I just want you to stay
Forever.
Thoughts
Tell me who you are and what you want.
I don't care what you have to say.
I am trying to end this endless process.
I know this is the end.
I'm trying to figure out who I am.
I just want to know what is best.
I don't have a lot of support from my family.
So, asking anyone else is a bad idea.
I'm helping myself.
I don't care what you have to say.
I am trying to end this endless process.
I know this is the end.
I'm trying to figure out who I am.
I just want to know what is best.
I don't have a lot of support from my family.
So, asking anyone else is a bad idea.
I'm helping myself.
Sunday, April 29, 2018
Mental Health: Day One (Hidden)
Monday, September 18, 2017
I wanted to start this to maybe empty my mind more, not only to show that people do suffer from depression and other major mental troubles. I am in that place where I just need to get most things off of my mind. Because right now there is nobody that I feel like I can trust enough to understand my issues. As Someone might say "That sounds emo of you to say." Yeah, you're right, but what if it's actually a problem? I don't really understand people who are not open minded to certain ways the brain can be made into, or the issues that actually happen to cause trauma. I guess that's just not my place. I really don't like to cause conflict, honestly. I just like to be happy and do what's best for me.
I guess that's not good enough. Most of the time I don't feel good enough for anyone or anything. But at some times I feel like the most happiest person ever and I want to get everything done. Because I'll be doned with schools in a couple months and I plan on wokring to save for my car. I just feel alone right now. Yeah, I may have some people to hang out with me but they don't really stop the pain. Numbs it for awhile, gives me time to think on how to help myself.
"Being free but not really"
So far in life, I have found some meaning to the idea of 'being free but not really" I took hold of my life and did what I thought was the right thing to settle the finances. By taking a job at a place I didn't want to go back to. Then in the process of always being constantly stressed and alert. I decided to see if I hold all this up for awhile to make enough money. In my defense, it was emotionally, mentally, and physically exhausting. At most times I would be doing all the jobs at once while everyone decided to goof off. Then one day I got an injury to my foot and I couldn't walk very well. So, I called in two days at Hy-vee and then quit the fast food one immediately the next morning before my shift. I really didn't want to deliver the bad news in person. It was embarrassing, especially having to explain how you hurt yourself. Slipping the shower and grating your foot on the metal drain piece; because the plastic mat was trying to kill you. I don't really understand how it happened but it did and it hurt, badly. This whole time the guy that I thought hurt me so bad was actually trying to save me and I was blind to see that. Then I had to break someone's heart to fix mine. "I expected it." Was a surprising text, because I didn't. But I'm glad I made that choice. Now my life is very slowly falling into place I just have to be patient and try to be more healthy. Most importantly, I have a loving boyfriend that I cherish so much and will try my best to be everything that he needs.
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