Princess

There was a little princess happier than eyes could see.

She lived in her castle with her own conformity.

Until one day her castle shook with tragedy.

The King had taken her father to glory. 

The little princess was alone and had to be for most of her time.

Her crown tilted slightly until it fell,

Her childhood passed and she grew independently.

Then she had to leave her castle because she didn't want to see the queen cry anymore.

Conformity took her years until it left her solid.

The way she could feel close to her father was the brightest star out her window.

That he would look down on her shining, granting comfort and peace.

She grew with knives and fire.

But couldn't find her happy place she once had. 

She was left at night to be wounded and in the skies. 

Until it came a day her eyes would be opened.

Til she entered and sat in a room with a standing man dressed in black and white.

Speaking of a King, a King of glory.

She picked up her crown that had fallen, placing it back on her head. 

The gems took their colors, brightly.

She carried on with her wounds and the gems changed colors.

Now her crown is straightened and all she wants to do is serve her King's kingdom.

Lost friendship

My heart aches for what is happening between us.
It is so tragic to see someone who you've known for a couple years, that you've shared many life experiences with, fall away.
Someone who actually saw you for who you were, who smiled, cried, and cared for you.
A person who took everything you said into consideration because your mind sees right through them and same as you.
The laughs, jokes, and take out.
Distance and silence are kinda like drinking poison, feasting on the well-being, of the relationship you share with a person. 
Slowly but surely eating away at your sanity.
Causing you great pain over a band of the time. 
I will always love you and cherish the times we spent together.
I'm sorry it had to be this way.
Don't forget me, and don't forget the good times.
Take care of yourself and your family.

Love your old friend.

Hands and palms

Grab my hand and smile darlin' because there is a mystery you can piece together. 

Founded by hand connections and line readings.

Reading in between the lines.

What kind of love can be made from silence and incompetent stares?

Refusing but enlightening, caring but unnecessary.

Take a chance and have a dance with me under the light of the screaming moon. That sends peace and cool breezing air. 

Serenity like a gun to shoot love through your soft heart. 

BAM!

There goes my heart, now carefully hold it for it is glass. 

Turn it into stone over time to be clear.

For it can be turned into a diamond when it comes to hearing the beautiful bells to my ears. 

When white is for innocence and true love.

Now let me see your hand, for my hand lay. 

Careful and caring, but critical and confident.

You take off the mask for your real face to be seen.

I lost my mask, for God has broken and burned the tassels.

 Melted away the paint that withheld my real capabilities.

Talk is slow and incomplete.

Show yourself with actions.

For I am easily happy within the realm of yours presence. 

Under the stars

There was nothing at this time that I could do to understand why everything happened at once. No one could understand where I was not even me.Hiding in the cold, dark, forest surrounded by nothing but my unstable thoughts. The thoughts that could drown my happiness in the night. The day you left me there in the park, under the moon, under the stars, we gazed on. I never knew the cause of the pain you were feeling and you wouldn’t tell me. You told me that all that you felt was nothing compared to our love. But why did you leave? I knew I could take it. But instead in front of the bright holy moon, I was taken instead.

 Now in my head, I could sense the stars rotating around my cracked skull. My body was laid upon the ground. But I couldn’t see, darkness flooded my sight. For the loss of blood was causing my unconsciousness. I could feel the roughness of the rock that I was laying upon. Unable to move I open my eyes for the second and last time for the night. To see the lifeless corpse swaying in front of my face. I could feel my spirit leaving my body.

  I didn’t have the will to speak, but enough to stand. Smoke filled my lungs and I coughed. The smell of cheap cologne and rain infested air. I always remembered the smell because David and I used to stand in the rain and enjoy the pleasant sight of nature at its finest. I see David in front of the entrance of the forest. I walk out to see the water fountain at the end of the park. He gives me a smile of regret and opened his arms to invite me in. I run to him and jump into his arms. Warmth ran through my body for once, and now I can finally feel something. I look into his eyes and stare. “Does this mean you’ll let me in?” He pushes hair from my face to behind my ear, staring at my lips. “I made a mistake of not letting you in. I’m sorry.” I smile and take a free breath. “You never have to be sorry, just don’t push me away.” He frowns and lays his head on my shoulder “Let me be there for you, be there for me.” I hear his sniffing on my shoulder and scuffled voice. “I’m sorry.” He lays his head up from my shoulder, his glistening eyes meet mine. “I love you.” Our smiles couldn’t shine any brighter. Thunder rolls a crossed in the sky and that wasn’t enough to unlock our gaze. We slowly met in a kiss, I wrap my arms behind his neck. When we released I stared once again into the eyes of an angel and smiled. “I love you too.”

  I smiled and grabbed his hand, howling wind filling our ears. We walked down the sidewalk towards the fountain. Nothing could affect the happiness in the world we were standing on. When there was noise, footsteps behind us. The worst fear that could ever fill me unforeseen shadows.He could see the fear on my face. “What’s wrong?” I ignored his question as I could see a shadow forming in front of us as of a memory was coming back. I could hear high-pitched screaming, it sounded the same as when I was a child. I let go of his hand and covered my ears. His face read confusion, of trying to find an answer to an unknown question.  Then I recognized the memory. Of the terrifying time where I couldn’t ever find clarity from, no matter how much I try to cope. A body laid before me as it was a stone. I started to hyperventilate, falling to my knees, I screamed. “Mom!” I covered my head as I could hear the screaming getting louder! David was frozen still as the shadow brought back the sight of his demons that tried to force his hand to a blade. He shooed away the smoke from his memory forcefully. Trying to pick me up from behind, from the ground. I refused to hold out my arms and legs trying to comfort an unforeseen memory that wasn’t even there. He held me to his chest holding me tight so I could stop shaking and find comfort again. “What was that?” He said. She didn't speak she was trying to find her normality to ease her sanity. “What is happening?” He led me to the bench near a light pole. The air didn’t feel any less dense than before. He held me close and we sat in silence for less than a minute. He groaned as if he was in pain. “Are you ok-” Before I could finish my question I looked at his neck and saw a bruise wrapping around. He began to cough like he was gasping for air. “Maybe we need to go back to the forest.” He stood up and massaged the pain. I stood with him unable to look away from the bruise. He grabbed my hand and pulled me along until I went the pace he was going. The air grew denser as we moved closer to the entrance. I stood close to him holding his hand tight as we entered. My head began to hurt like a splitting headache was forming. I felt dizzy for a second and almost collapsed, but luckily he caught me. “Come on, you’ll be okay.” He said, wrapping my arm around the back of his neck. Keeping me steady, the headache went slightly to the point where I didn’t need to be carried. I held onto his arm as we walked forward. We stopped and I could feel my body grow cold, I couldn’t move. As I saw his body hanging directly above the ground, lifeless, and pale. I snapped out of it and when I did I fell to my knees and screamed. Uncontrollable shaking and crying were the only things I could do. He stood before himself swaying side to side and looked as though he had witnessed a murder. “I know what happened.” He said in a whisper as he walked behind a tree to see my pale unconscious body. Blood flowing from my head down to my neck. I stood still shaking putting my face into my sweater sleeves. I walked behind him to see what had happened. I felt my stomach twist. “W-we’re dead?” His eyes couldn’t leave my body. “I need to tell you something.” He looked me in my eyes and I could tell by the way they were glistening he was upset. “What is it?” A tear fell from his eye as he spoke. “I died here because I found you here like this. I shouldn’t have left you there. I know I shouldn't have.” His voice began to shake and my eyes watered up and tears fell from my eyes to my sweater. “I always loved you, I just didn’t want to lay my burdens on your shoulders. You have enough to deal with an-”

“You should’ve told me. You were never going to be a burden because I love you.” My voice shook as I laid my hand on his arm. He looked at me and smiled. “At least we’ll be together forever.”

Blank faces (Horror)

In the midst of the night I lay before the tree that shows no life, leaves surround me in a circle. The moon is screaming it’s brightness at me. I close my eyes tight. Only a dream, only a dream. Warm liquid dripping down my cheeks down to my neck. I can’t move, my arms are out wide and my body is flat on the cold prickly ground. I turn my head to the side and the dips of warmth run down the side of my face. As I open my eyes I can’t help to feel the pressure on my chest. Heavy like a pile of bricks stacked one by one. I start to hyperventilate because I can’t scream. But to able to breathe, an unforeseen blessing that was given from a higher entity.

  I move my fingers on my right hand and a rush of pain runs through my arm. I scream and this time I can hear it. The pitch echoed as if I was in an enclosed room. I close my eyes once more and move my body upward, shockingly without the excruciating pain. My heart raced but I’m barely breathing. I don’t dare to open my eyes to see what holds before me. I can’t move I am frozen in a sitting position, but I can move my arms. I open my eyes and look down immediately. I rub my cheek to examine the liquid which dripped upon my pale skin. Vibrant red stared back at me. Blood. I look up slowly but to see feet with the same red running down the legs of the dead. I screamed until my lungs burned, the echoing hurt my ears, the high pitch is too much.  I see the blank face of the women I once knew, who raised me, who birthed me. The scratchy rope that wrapped itself lovingly around her neck. Lines of where a blade had cut on the sides of her hips, and down her wrists.

“Mom, no!” I screamed blatantly. I know she couldn't hear me. I knew this wasn’t real. I held my arms around my body putting my hand down, tears are rolling down my face. “It’s not your fault.” I looked up and all she did was, well all it did was sway from side to side like the wind caught its weightless body. I believe after someone died that they’re no longer named as an existence. Not a “she” or “he”, just an “it”. No heartbeat means no name.

  I laid my head into my hands, then I hear a loud thump. I look up again, and the body had fallen. As if the rope was too weak to hold the weight. It laid on its side and didn’t move. I wiped my eyes with the back of my hand. I lifted my legs and placed my head on my knees I can’t stand to see this anymore. Then all of a sudden I hear a groan, I slowly lifted my head. I saw the body was moving. I gasped and laid both of my hands on the ground, my eyes couldn’t be any bigger. The body groaned louder this time and rolled up onto its knees. I try to back up, but before I do the body has already thrown itself on top me. I leave my hands up to keep it away from my face and as far as possible. It suddenly screamed right into my face something I never needed to hear. “It’s all your fault!”  

Unfinished business

I keep having these reoccurring dreams about my old family house. The house I lived in since I was six, with my mother, father, and brother. Before I moved to a new city. This vivid dream I had today was something different, something not exactly expected.
 I was in the house in my brother's old bedroom. He had moved out because he graduated and he was moving on in life. He lived with my grandmother, who is now deceased. It was just my mother and me.  She was cooking some sort of bacon. (Yes, odd, I know.)
But I was going back and forth from my old bedroom to my new one, which was my brothers. I was always jealous because how much more space he had in his room. Plus his bed was much more comfortable. Anywho I was going into my old bedroom to gather things for my new room. In my dream, I kept questioning where my collage of photos was. Which was none existent at this point in time, but does exist in my room right now. Then I was taking down pictures from the wall next to my bed, oddly enough they were of my Stepfather, my mother, and I from now.  Note mt mother did not meet my stepfather at this time. Plus one of me as a child leaning over the porch where I live now. Another was a frame with a tiny collage of my father which was deceased at this time. It was odd because I could smell everything. It was like I was walking through a memory. Some things were changed. I never had frames, I had printed photos of individual bands.
  My conclusion from this dream is that I have unfinished business in that house, not knowing what it is. An important factor was my father lived in that house with my brother when and before he died. He didn't die in the house, though I think he may still be linked. My mother always thought it was haunted. Now my quest is to find out what the unfinished business is. I haven't been in that house in five years. Maybe it's time for a visit.

Sappy book review.

So, I'm not one with sappy romance novels, but I've made an exception. I am currently reading a book called "Tell me three things." and it completely has me hooked. The only time I've had to put it down was when I was out with my crew. Or you could say "Krew" as they say it. But I love my family. Nothing brings me more joy than spending time with them. As you may think a person reading this, I am not just saying that I mean it.
  But anywho back to the sappy book that has caught my attention. I am only on chapter nine so I don't have much to share. But this book shows the main character, Jessica Holmes, going through some difficult changes happening in her life. Due to her mother's ovarian cancer which took her life later on in the past couple years. Her father gets remarried shortly after the death of his wife, her mother, approximately a year and ten months later. Yes, as a person that basically had the same issue happen in their life. I would know that one year and ten months after the death of a parent is not enough time. Honestly, a lifetime doesn't seem like not enough time for your widow parent to get remarried. Alright, enough about that. Her father gets remarried and tells her that they're leaving the family home and city, Chicago, that she grew up in. To go live in another place, Los Angles, with a new school, and with no friends. It is well shown in the book that she is not happy about the changes, and is not looking forward to leaving all she knows behind. Who would be?
  In the story, as she moves into the new home, she clearly cannot be settled, and she has constant emotions about her father on whether or not he hates him for a being a gold digger. Or simply trying to make himself happy again with a new life. Jessie appears to constantly think about the memories that she and her father had when her mother was still alive. Then, starts receiving emails from an anonymous person, giving her the rundown of how things went down in the school. This emailer's name happens to be "Somebody Nobody" and in the email's subject matter was always funny. It made me laugh in the middle of the library and some people actually looked at me like something was wrong inside my head. Nope, just book humor. As an example of the conversational subject matter, they would in order send is...
"Subject: Lazy, verbose, AND nosy"
"Subject: lazy, verbose, nosy, and... handsome"
"Subject: Lazy, verbose, nosy, handsome, and... modest"
Didn't want to include all of what was in the book because I, myself, am also lazy. This dialogue is obviously not funny but is an adorable flirting adaptation in the characters, ha, now you see where it caught me. I like to see this kind of dialogue in my books. Like they're talking back in forth in an email format, then a little bit further into the book it switches to them talking in a different digital formatting. More of talking in a chat box on your email, because he grows weary of constantly refreshing his email.
  Now she is in school she is getting made fun of for her looks, and how she dresses. But that, of course, doesn't stop her from eyeing a guy from her class; that is also getting chased around by girls who are also eyeing him. Her thoughts mainly take control and you can tell she has a lot on her plate. Losing her mother, father getting remarried, moving, missing her best friend, receiving emails from an anonymous guy, then now being made fun of, and of course trying to figure out if "Batman" the guy she is eyeing, actually named Ethan; is the anonymous guy emailing her. A mouthful, eh? Indeed.
  Now closer to where I am at in the book she is trying to have a decent relationship with her Stepbrother, Theo. He is not happy with the new marriage, and her father's new job at the grocery store next to the school. He is quite of upset at the fact her father is working there because he is working as a pharmacist. To Theo, that job is nothing, and he is embarrassed by him working there.

That's all I have for now and will update this as soon as I have more read. Thanks for reading,

Runner of love

All my life I was alone in my own head, with some things that did not make sense. I lived in a small town, needless to say, called Stover with a very small population of people. So I decided to do my own thing and not worry about anyone but myself. Of course, my family was important to me, but they were barely around at this time in my life. My mother working three jobs to support me and my brother. My brother was always out doing something.

  I never accepted my mother having boyfriends because of the loss of my father when I was nine years old. Who would? Who would want their mother being with another man after her father dying tragically? I never understood why she did what she did. But now I understand as a teenager that everyone needs love. Not only the love of a significant other, but family, and friends. I didn’t have many friends. Even when I did they were very disinterested in me and would bully, talk about me to others, and lie straight to my face.

What I did was get my school work done and get on the internet. That was my safe haven since no one was home and there was nothing better to do. I had okay grades for a young kid, nothing too bad. I never participated because of my shyness and the tragic truth of being a social outcast.

  One day my mother told me she was leaving for a couple hours and I was of course home alone with my annoying older brother. She came home later that evening with some shocking news that made my jaw drop to the floor. She told my brother and me that she was engaged to a man she has been currently dating. I honestly don’t know what my brother thought of this. I couldn’t tell with the blank expression he always had on his face. But I could tell deep inside he was not happy.

  When my mother and I were packing to live in Columbia, Missouri where he lived, I packed everything I had and that was close to me. Such as my father’s ashes, wallet, and pictures. But we left and lost a lot of our stuff due to my thieving uncle. When we got there I quickly unpacked my things and placed my father’s ashes on a shelf near the television. Everything was changing for me and I didn’t know what to make of it.

  I started school at Lange middle school in the sixth grade and felt very left out. These were the years where I struggled to fit in, so I was bullied by a person that didn’t give up until sophomore year of high school. These also were the years where I was so alone I thought nobody needed my existence and began to self-harm since I couldn’t feel anything emotionally, I decided to take it upon myself to feel something physically. The reason for the depression and anxiousness was because I thought no one liked me and didn’t want me around. So there were points where I tried to end my life. I felt utterly useless to the world and my existence was worthless.

  Later on, in the seventh-grade year, I was invited to church by one of my old friends, Brianna. I was very uncertain if I should’ve gone to a place that I haven’t gone to before meeting new strangers. But I thought that it might have been a good idea to get out there and meet new people and not be isolated. So, I went one afternoon after I got home from school and honestly it was the best thing I have ever done. There were people there that were so supportive and nice. Even though I didn’t talk much they still accepted me. I was very anti-social at that time of going to church. Then from there, I started going every Wednesday and Sunday, growing and prospering. I still go today and I am very involved with all the activities and sermons. But after sixth, seventh, and eighth grade I was still depressed, still having a lot of things on my mind.

  It was the summer separating eighth to ninth grade that I was severely depressed and had really bad suicidal tendencies. It was one night that I called a hotline from Burrell, telling them what was on my mind. They told my mother to take me to the hospital. I told myself I was not safe to stay home and have those thoughts. I decided to stay for the five days so they could evaluate me.

They asked me questions about my past and what happened. Then one day a man named Bryce, came to visit me. I would have to say it was the best visit, that changed my life forever. He comes in and told me about all the things that could be affecting me and to stay away from them. Plus teaching me very important things from the Bible like the “Be still and know that I am God.” He also shared experiences with me that he had that related to mine. He knew that I was damaged and I still am. But now I know how to deal with it. My preacher, Trent, also came and told me to pray and to stay as strong as possible. It was hard enough holding back tears when it came to seeing my family, seeing me in a defeated position.When Bryce left the hospital I was so inspired by his words and what he wrote down on the board. I used what he wrote and taught it to some of the people that were there. When I was teaching one of the girls named Madison she told me I should be a teacher. That’s why now I want to be a Youth Minister and Youth counselor. Of course, it’s religious based because that’s my life now. It will always be my life. When I left the hospital three days later I was diagnosed with depression, severe anxiety, and insomnia. But I don’t let it stop me.

 Now I really care about people and helping them with their problems, devoting my life to serving, helping, and caring for those in need. I don’t want to see people fall and stay down, I want them to get up and prosper like I did. Because there is hope even when you don’t see it. Don’t get me wrong I still get depressed and getting really anxious to the point where I have an anxiety attack. But again, I don’t let it stop me. The problems I face help me help those who have the same problems. I know now that there is no giving up only opening up your eyes and seeing the light.