I don't want

I don't want to feel hopeless
I don't want to feel angry
I don't want to feel like nothing is alright
I don't want to feel this anxiety
I don't want my happiness to end
I don't want to see my mama cry
I don't want to light in my eyes die
I don't want to see anyone leave
I don't want to lose him again
I don't want to feel small
I don't want to feel like I do everything wrong
I don't want to feel like I rely on someone else
I don't want to confuse my path
I don't want to be sad
I don't want to cry at bad times
I don't want to be emotional
I don't want people I love to die
I don't want to feel controlled by the stars
I don't want people to become addicted
I don't want to start things I can't finish
I don't want to feel impulsive for what I want
I don't want to be clingy
I don't want to fail anymore
I don't want my heart to break again

Depression visit

I sit now in front of a screen I haven't seen in a while.
I have those feelings again, of not feeling good enough.
Even though I know most of the things I see that goes wrong in my life, it is not my fault.
But in some weird way connected to my depression, I feel it is my fault.
We're human and we can feel these things.
The feelings shouldn't linger throughout the day and make me want to not do anything
I have to force myself to do the things I like to do
What is wrong with me?

Bleed

I bleed every day
Putting myself out there every day
Like a boxing ring
I don't want anything to sting
But I still feel the pain
I can't find the answers in the sand
But I simply can't keep doing this.
I am holding myself back.
Back from could be.
Is this me?
I want to find peace in life unknown.
Prone to the shame and the blame game
So I am definitely not the same
I am so tired of being the person I didn't want.
I want more out of life.
Should I feel ashamed or maybe selfish?
I feel the wounds in my heart open again
Salt, rub it in and let it hurt.
Because maybe it can work.
Find the beginning and try to make the end.
There is a light somewhere, but somewhere is not here.
I need more, to find more, to see more.
To actually feel more.
I feel so lonely and so alone.
Because anyone else doesn't seem to care.
I don't feel like myself.

If there is a wound, I need to patch it.

Try again

Here are more lies, than lies can be understood.
I feel the cage and the chains around my wrists.
But I can't resist.
I want to feel pure again
But there is no time, no time but forward.
I am becoming sicker by the day
Putting the chemicals in my brain
Feeling insane, I am to be blamed.
I did nothing wrong, but not stop something.
I should have never let the beginning end.
Starting over, slow and easy.
The world is what I want, especially the loving title.
I want the ring and love.
I don't want the blood to run cold.
But the paths are freezing
Not stone just ice.
I need to feel the warmth in my heart.
I don't want to fall apart.
I did not realize that the light in my heart could go out again.
It did, but it can be fixed.
Trust, to be regained.
Try this again.

A single word

Love

Sitting by the water, sand like a bed, fresh rings, hand in hand.
"Can you believe it?"
"No, I can't."

Here I am stuck in a fantasy, stuck in another reality.
I feel accepted.
Wanting to be somebody, somebody who cares.
More than the average.
"I'll take your hand and kiss it for the rest of our lives."

Be ready when your heart decides a beat is not enough for the moment, complete.
Don't cry and be wise.
Be you, be me.
Overtime in a bed next to me
I wouldn't miss a moment

But I have to feel complete.

Bells

I wake up each day the same way
Tired
I have no motivation outside my keep
But sometimes there is something waiting for me
I want to feel like I used to
But my heart is fried
I can't get my mind back into the way it was
Is that a good thing?
Did I mature?
Maybe I needed to understand
That when I become something I hate
I can't just run to my safe space
It is definitely not healthy
If anything it might kill me faster in the end
I want to be hopeful for the things I want
But I need to know that what I want is going to be established
Feeling that something will come out of nothing
Ash into gold
Bells.